I'm having a lonely sad day today. Really freaked out over going to see the Eating Disorders clinic. Scared of eating, scared of not eating, scared that the first thing they will tell me is because I'm so fat treatment should go quickly, scared that I'll get into competition with all the other people who are so much skinnier than me, scared that I'll die evenutally from my own bloody stupidity.
The stupid thing is that it's really not about being fat. It's more that somewhere along the way in my very early development, food got mixed up with terror and abuse. So in my mind there is an irradicable association between eating and extreme fear. That's what I've really got to deal with.
I wish I were in Wellington... Although in reality, I just wish that all my friends would transplant their lives down here :) Because I was just as lonely and sad when I lived in Wellington but didn't get in touch with anyone, it's just that now when I visit you guys then I see you lots and therefore miss you more!
Apparently the weather is doing the normal Labour Weekend stuff but don't use it as an excuse to spend *all* weekend playing the sims...
It's taken me ages to get online and now I have little to say. That's never stopped me blogging before though.
Today I finally got an appointment with my psychiatrist, after several frustrating weeks of trying, and she immediately played around with my meds and also with support and stuff so hopefully (hopefully) things will get a little easier in the time between now and having to go and see the Eating Disorders team, which should hopefully happen in a few weeks.
I think part of the reason why things have turned to shit a little in the last week is doing my ribs in, because I find it so hard to be in pain and not get help. I also went to see my GP in hopes of getting some help from her, but maybe I caught her on a bad day or something, because she was basically quite nasty to me! To the point where I think I will have to ask my mental health workers, or my my psychiatrist, to recommend a GP that's had a bit more experience in mental health and won't tell me "Well there's no point in giving you supplements; if you won't eat normal food, why would you eat them? It'd be a waste."
Went out to New Brighton the other day and caught up with Jas, Dave and Reekem (probably not all how it's spelt) who have got a neat little flat out there, very close to the beach (where isn't, in NB?!) - it also has this conservatory/sunroom place that would be hot enough to kill most houseplants. Jas imported all his sports memorabilia [read: crap] so it's quite hard to comment on the rest of the decor!
Hmm. I might go sleep now and see if I have anything more interesting to say tomorrow. And because my lovely psychiatrist gave me all sorts of interesting pills today I will actually *get* some sleep. Without nightmares. Fingers crossed!
Yesterday Sok + flatmates + I went to Sok's parent's place for dinner, which was really nice. I like their house, it is really warm and has good views (when unobscured by cloud), and Sok's family are really nice people. I thought it was especially nice of her brother to join us, since he has MASSIVE amounts of scary Pols essays due in today. I probably would have been hiding under my desk!
I have been playing Giffy's Sims 2 and am now addicted. It's so cool! And that is all I am going to allow myself to say on the subject, or my entire blog will be filled with the inanities of my simulated people's simulated lives, and that would be just a little too revealing of my level of social development for comfort :)
My sister and I went to Queensgate on Saturday (thanks again for the car, Giffy) and she bought me a bottle of fig, date + olive moisturiser for a bday pressie. So now I smell all nice and I've noticed a 73.5% reduction in fine lines and wrinkles.
How big is your pipe? ... Broadband just rocks, I could fall in love with this very easily indeed. So very smooth, fast and powerful. I can read my email and the paper and my blog all at the same time without waiting endlessly for pages to load. Bliss.
Well as you may have guessed I'm not in Kansas anymore... I'm in the land of {you know, I have no idea what his nickname is. Let's call him Mr. X}, which is much more accomodating and less confusing than the land of Oz. I suspect his computer works better, as well. Fewer levers and steam, at any rate.
Last night I went out for a drink with Sok and {Mr. Y}, which was good fun, especially as I could live vicariously through Sok and get someone to drink beer based soley on an amusing name. I don't drink beer - just the smell puts me off - but all the beers have such interesting names! Wanaka Brewski just sounds so cute... was it nice, incidentally?
I shall catch up wtih my family at some point while I'm here but I think I will put off an extended visit until Matt comes up on the 12th. It's always a bit easier when there are two "novelties" at one time, because it splits the focus.
Last night (I think I was tired, too, which makes me more sensitive to these things) I was sitting in the lounge with Sok and Giffy and {Mr. X} and {Mr. Y} and there were 2 seperate conversations as well as the TV on. All of a sudden I was just like AAAAAAAAAAAH! Shush! One at a time! One at a time! ... silently, luckily... Hee hee hee. I finally understand why Mum went nuts when all 7 of us were talking simultaneously across one another while channel surfing.
I think I try to concentrate on all things simultaneously and this leads to brain fall-apart. The solution? Let's ask MacGuyver:
All I need is a paperclip, an ordinary drinking straw, and a can of hairspray. Also a convenient solar eclipse, an imbecilic guard, a rising tide, and some kind of rare goat. 'Cos you know, you can't provide to specification, I can't be held responsible. I mean, c'mon, you expect miracles?! Sheesh, I'm an actor, lady, not a freakin' wonder boy. Freakin' stalkers.
This morning I woke up to find a hair in my nostril. Not a nostril hair, a long head hair. I wonder if a hair could worm its way up through my nasal passages, inch by inch, curling through flesh and mucous membrane like a skewer to the brain… and if so, it would be a great and undetectable way to murder an unwanted spouse.
Yesterday I either had a 24-hour bug, a nasty case of food poisoning, or a re-annual grape hangunder. I felt so sick that I even missed The Simpsons! This morning I have thankfully progressed to the geriatric chimp stage, where my gait involves a lot of slow semi-crouched baby steps and a head kept at grim half-mast. Oook ook.
Man I am soooo looking forward to the next two weeks up North! It’s going to be awesome to see everyone again *grin* Three more sleeps to go, three more sleeps til Welly... I can't promise to be a big fat fella, and I won't drink beer, but any other alcohololol is likely to be fair game... and presents will have to remain a secret until I check my list again :)