October 23, 2004

Phreqing Lonely

I'm having a lonely sad day today. Really freaked out over going to see the Eating Disorders clinic. Scared of eating, scared of not eating, scared that the first thing they will tell me is because I'm so fat treatment should go quickly, scared that I'll get into competition with all the other people who are so much skinnier than me, scared that I'll die evenutally from my own bloody stupidity.

The stupid thing is that it's really not about being fat. It's more that somewhere along the way in my very early development, food got mixed up with terror and abuse. So in my mind there is an irradicable association between eating and extreme fear. That's what I've really got to deal with.

I wish I were in Wellington... Although in reality, I just wish that all my friends would transplant their lives down here :) Because I was just as lonely and sad when I lived in Wellington but didn't get in touch with anyone, it's just that now when I visit you guys then I see you lots and therefore miss you more!

Apparently the weather is doing the normal Labour Weekend stuff but don't use it as an excuse to spend *all* weekend playing the sims...

Posted by phreq at October 23, 2004 12:23 PM | TrackBack

I don't think that I can help you feel any less afraid about going to the clinic but your story of going to the GP reminded me of the time I was followed home and it totally stresed me out and I needed to get an extention on my assignments as uni. One of my lecturers asked me to get a med cert from the uni clinic. Actually she should have asked me to go to the uni councilers because the drs don't deal with stress claims. Any way the doctor gave me the cert anyway but freaked me out by telling me that I had to deal with it and figure out what I was going to do because a guy could come at me from any where and start harassing me the moment I walked out of the clinic and what would I do? Which immediatly just totally made me scared for the next few days that I was going to be molested anywhere. She didn't offer any actual advice on how to handle that kind of situation either. So sometimes you can get a helpful GP othertimes they must have too heavy a workload or something and are completely off. That was a long story, but I hope it goes okay for you : )

Posted by: Puggle at October 23, 2004 01:12 PM

Heya honey,

Big hugs and love. The more I look at the painting you gave me the more I like it. It's such beautiful colours and the feel to it is lovely. Thank you so much.

Good luck with the appointments, and don't spend all Labour weekend playing Sims ;p

Posted by: Jenni at October 23, 2004 04:15 PM

good luck! I will be thinking of you lots. See you up here soon!

Posted by: regs at October 24, 2004 11:31 AM

Hey Hun. Have been thinking of you. Hope that stuff is going ok. Sad that your ribs are giving you so much grief, but glad that they didn't ruin your time here.



Posted by: giffy at October 25, 2004 11:19 AM

Heya sweets! I think it's perfectly natural to freak out. You've been one way for so long that it must be a bit scary to think you could be another way. It'll be ok. I personally think that food stuff is about control. If you can't control your life you sure can control your food. That's what I've found anyways. Hope it all goes well, remember you've got a lot of friends who want you to succeed!! Oh, we must get you back up for Christmas too. :-)

Posted by: Emba at October 26, 2004 10:54 AM

*hugs* yeah, i don't think doctors should be allowed to go to work if they're grumpy. cos they have like 15 min appointments for each person and are so dismissive. or they just take your word for stuff and don't ask any important questions. last time i saw my doctor, i said 'i think it's this' and she was like 'yup' and gave me meds. didn't ask what other symptoms etc i might have that might or might not relate.

my credit card will be looking a bit less sydneyised next week, so we should start thinking about your next trip up :)


Posted by: Zephfi at October 26, 2004 05:49 PM


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