Gods this has been a hard month. It seems like all I ever do is cry, and sleep. It seems like that because it *is* like that, I suspect, and yeah I know, depression and grief cycles and all that but it would be really nice if it stopped hurting for a bit!
I'm planning on heading up North to the Tron just because I think it's going to be a damn hard christmas for the kids. I'm flying up on the 26th, I couldn't get anything else much. But hopefully it'll still be helpful during that kinda 'holiday' nonsense. "Oh, isn't family and love so wonderful? Domestic violence is up, suicides are up, drinking, drugs and hospital admissions go up, but phoo to all that, we're gonna make this the most hideously over-expensive pagan Annual Gift Day ever!!!"
Just as a side note, please, I beg of you, never, never NEVER send me the stupid "Footprints In The Sand" poem on any card, mug, paper, sticker, magnet or any other media, unless you can explain to me how come 'He' dropped my sister and then trampled her broken mind and body into the sand.
Wish I had some interesting news but I don't really.
I've spent most of the day going through my CD collection looking for music appropriate for a funeral - and a 'undetermined circumstances' funeral at that. It's a real hard thing to kind of tiptoe around the issues too. Can I use the words/assumption of suicide when I speak about her? It will just be a pointless, tasteless farce if not.
But, we don't get the coroner's verdict for months. So, officially...
And oh man I hope my parents don't try to christianise the service, because christians considering suicide a mortal sin, so won't that mean she's, uh, in hell right now? Will they have it in a church? School hall? Bloody movie-set looking funeral home?
I'm flying up on Sunday morning. How on earth am I supposed to have a civil and fraught funeral-arrangements conversation with my parents when I can hardly imagine looking at them without a very dirty look?
My sister killed herself last night. She took an overdose and was found dead by her flatmates. We won't have an official verdict until after autopsy and investigation by the police, in about 3 months, but it is almost definitely suicide.
It's times like this I'm glad I'm not a christian. I just talked to my brother and he said, No, she's gone, she's just nothing now; but I will miss her. I think that's even sadder than her death at such a young age by such a desperate hand. If I believed in anything, it would be reincarnation.
Sister, I hope you find rest and an opportunity to grieve this life; and then the peace and courage of new beginnings in another form.
The weirdest thing this morning is realising I now only have one sister. My little formula three-brothers-two-sisters phrase will now cause me to pause. Yet she's still my sister. Will I change it to three-brothers-one-sister or leave it as is and add (but one sister's dead).
I'll have to work out how to get up to Wellington for the funeral. I really don't want to see or talk to my parents by I suspect that will be unavoidable.