September 02, 2004

My Inner Criminal

I always have a sneaking admiration for large-scale corporate criminals. There’s something about a Hollinger or an Enron that just makes me look at the photos and grin “cheeky bastard”. Now, I know stealing is wrong, and hurts people, and so on. I know. I just can’t help thinking that if I were in a position to steal $400 million from a company over 4 years, and the biggest outside risk I ran was a 5 year stint in jail… hoo boy. I’d like to say I’d keep my hand out of the cookie jar, but I just don’t think I’m really that honest.

I never feel this way about smaller larcenies – breaking and entering, identity theft and so on – or with violent or destructive crimes - but I think it’s harder to see an identifiable victim when it’s a large multinational. So basically, I think my inner criminal is a white-collar-multimillionaire.

Father’s Day pisses me off. All the ads make my power-tool envy much more intense. How come no-one ever gives me a “Mouse” sander, or a jig-saw, or a laser-level, or a circular saw, or a multi-drill for Christmas? Hmm. A few Christmases ago (when I was younger, and richer… I hope that’s not a trend) I bought myself a Swiss Army knife, a really good one. And you know what? Nearly four years later, and I still use it almost every single day. It’s my screwdriver, my sharp kitchen knife, my letter opener, my pliers, my Allen key, my scissors, toe-nail clippers, bottle opener, corkscrew, can opener and (before the ink ran out) an emergency pen.

I have run out of duct tape, speaking of incredibly useful things. I must buy some more. I don’t feel right without a roll in the house; or, preferably, in my handbag.

You know, having listed all those things that I would like to own, I can totally see why people haven’t given me those things. I many want other things far more! Like The Simpsons seasons collections on DVD, or some new sneakers… or a vacuum cleaner and a toilet brush! *grin* Still, when I am a millionaire, I will own a vast collection of specialised and vitally unnecessary power tools.

*pant pant* ok my heart should kick back into a normal rhythm shortly… there it goes. Good. Ok, so I was sitting quietly incinerating plant matter while watching The Simpsons when *THUMP THUMP THUMP* on my window! I say “Who is it?” with as deep a voice as I can manage. “Police! Open the door please!” I started shaking then and continued shaking through an earnest discussion about why the security light outside my window stays on constantly. He gave me such a fright! He didn’t fix the light, unfortunately.

I’d like to put in a mild kudos report to the designer of the new Fanta bottles. They are much easier to hold and pour out of than the standard Coke-style bottles. So rah Fanta.

Posted by phreq at September 2, 2004 12:49 PM | TrackBack

I just had a huge fright...I was sitting in the sun reading my book when I was suddenly aware of someone coming towards me. I looked up and there was a black lab looking right back at me! (I freaked out while he had a bit of a sniff, checked me out and then moved on.)

It was more the surprise interuption than the dog, but it was still a fright.

Posted by: jenni at September 2, 2004 01:59 PM

my workmate was once woken up in the middle nite by a policeman who came to tell them that their open bedroom window could be seen from the road and was an invitation to burglars. what a great thing to be woken up for

Posted by: Zephfi at September 2, 2004 10:43 PM

Lol yeah! Mind you, Mel had a similar experience later that same night (she only lives a couple of streets over from me) - the cops woke her up at 2am to say they'd just spotted someone walking out of her property with armloads of stuff. The woman had been ripping off Mel's garage and the police just happened to be parked across the street!

Posted by: phreq at September 3, 2004 11:24 AM


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