First impression on arrival back in Wellington: I don’t want to be here. Even the flight back was a nuisance as I had to leave my jobhunting in Dunedin unfinished, I’d been getting friendly with a lövely oirish gairl who I met at the backpackers’, and I’d got an offer of a place to stay the night in Milford Sound if I wanted to go there. But of course the money was running out, I’m on the last week of student allowance and am now into the purgatory of unemployment. I’d fear for my sanity if it becomes long-term, but I’m going to put some effort into getting work pronto even if it’s dishwashing or manual labouring to start. Some outdoor work would be good.
At least the plane flight was beautiful, looking down on the South Island mountains. Air travel’s still enough of a novelty for me to enjoy it. Looking down on the South Island landscape helped me match up the image on a map with what I’ve seen on the ground. I’ve seen most of the country now except for the far east of the North Island, so I’ve got a good mental image of Aotearoa’s layout.
Landing in Wellington the big model of Gollum at the airport reminds visitors that you're entering Peter Jackson's kingdom. There were a couple of young Weta employees talking on the bus to town – “…and I had my head down between his legs, tears streaming down my face, and Richard [Taylor] walked in…” I also noticed how much native bush there is around here, Wellington's a pretty green city. Dunedin's also a forest city but more European trees. Then I got back to the flat - and the food here's so great! I made myself a pizza using a pita bread as the base, so that put me in a good mood. Olives, mushrooms, capsicum, fresh oregano… whereas meat pie & a custard square for lunch (about all there is in Mosgiel) just doesn’t do it for me even if it is my Dad’s favourite food.
It looks like the arguments in favour of moving away for a while outweigh those in favour of staying. I need to go somewhere that can support an alternative music scene (we're far enough from the 90s, pop culture having swung back towards awfulness, for 'alternative' to be a viable word again). Auckland is Auckland and I don't have any friends in Christchurch or any attraction to the place so Dunedin looks like the main option.
In favour of going: change of scenery, more opportunity for outdoor recreation, cheaper rents, calmer pace, fairly decent music scene (with fewer technically advanced players so might be easier for me to make a mark), no ex-girlfriend around.
Against going: Ascension Band, good flat here, hassle of moving, better falafel kebabs.
I went out for the inevitable Tuesday night congregation at Indigo, caught up with a couple of people. Mike was there (friend/musical collaborator) but is leaving in a fortnight, and some other friends are leaving for the summer too. I had a puff on a joint, first one in two months, but couldn’t seem to get it going properly and didn’t notice any effect. I’d been thinking of getting some pot when I came back and doing some solid writing with it but that might not be any help. Having burned myself out early last year partly from smoking too much weed I’m aware of the negative side-effects, and I have to be able to write without a crutch. And there’s the whole internalized tension thing it’s brought out since that burnout – a soreness in my left forearm/wrist seems to be the warning sign. And I wouldn’t know where to buy pot anyway – deliberate ignorance in not having a dealer is a defence mechanism to prevent me from overdoing it.
There was also an encounter with Elisa, which is just a hazard of being in Wellington and one of the main reasons to leave. I’m sick of the whole thing - it’s no longer a breakup issue, she’s long gone now, but just petty & bitter fallout from afterwards. Sometimes we seem to be reconciled but then she’ll lash out at me and/or I’ll do something stupid and the whole thing spirals back down again. In terms of social manoeuvring ability I’m hopelessly outgunned. My theory is that she resents me for having been let in close to see the ‘real her’ underneath all the social masks, but there’s also bound to be an element of me being a sore loser over getting dumped. I envy her for having all the things I can’t have – money, popularity, influence, charisma, as much sex as she wants. No point wishing to trade places though, the one thing I have that no one else can have is being me. I have on occasion the power of original thought and could potentially create something of lasting value if I can just get through all my mental barriers and social ineptitude. Getting out of town might not be such a bad way of making a new start. And I've been in Wellington nearly six years which is more than long enough, too much history gets constricting.
I’m here for a little while yet though, maybe til the end of the year, so have to make the most of it...
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