Schrodinger's Cat

Out of the frying pan, into the fire

It’s a new period in history, both for the macrocosm (the world) and the microcosm (myself), and a shaky kind of start. This blog’s over a year old now – I feel like I’ve made good progress in some areas but maybe lost ground in others, and mostly just gone sideways. Out of the frying pan into the fire.

Sadly, George W becoming president wasn’t just a fluke. First time sure, but this time the power of the right was seriously misunderestimated. So increasing corporate imperialism, media dumbing-down, rob-the-poor-to-give-to-the-rich economics, theocracy, homophobia, environmental destruction, war crimes and dubya’s unbearable smirk are going to loom over the world for a while – turns out it was hopelessly naïve to think those things would be voted out because they’re illogical. After all that’s come out over the past couple of years it seemed impossible that anyone at all would vote for Bush - I guess the lessons from Nazi Germany still haven’t been learned, emotion still wins over reason. As for myself I aim to go travelling, so international issues will be the backdrop for a while.

An American president seems to have enough influence to be a mirror of world culture at their time, maybe they’re paradigm-setters. Unlike Mr shades-of-grey / Bush-lite / lesser-of-two-evils Kerry, Bush has got what he wants in making things clear-cut and black & white. You’re for or against him – the consolation is that hopefully there’ll be good companionship and positive progress rather than despair & division among those against.

It’ll make a change for me from a context of spending the last 5 ½ years in Wellington watching local trends such as the sword-of-Damocles bypass, the rise of local avant-garde music, and the film industry blowing up in my face. The LOTR hype started way back in 1998 and then after shooting finished the films were released over three years – so the films actually define a distinct era in NZ history. They go beyond mere entertainment into having major influence on national culture, politics, economics and international profile, and have also been a backdrop to my own life. I read the books a dozen or so times as a kid, then they shot the films while I was a student. Then the 'Fellowship' release coincided with my finishing university and having a great new girlfriend - a time of discovery. 'Two Towers' was about disillusionment as Elisa was working in film and our relationship was in decline - while the movie didn't seem so exciting. Then 'Return of the King' was just an inevitable closure - and by then Elisa was gone and I'd turned my back on the film scene. ‘King Kong' just seems irrelevant, and I sense that by this point there are even hints of a backlash brewing…

One day to go in Mosgiel. It’s been good to get out of Wellington; I was having a minor course-induced breakdown and needed to come somewhere quiet to get over it. I wouldn’t want to stay any longer – it’s hard to get a decent vegetarian meal in smalltown NZ so my meat intake’s shot up, I’m not getting much exercise, and there’s not a lot to do in my spare time besides read (Henry Miller’s Black Spring currently) and write (mostly emails, not a lot of creative writing progress). I even spent an evening watching tv which I haven’t done for ages (US elections + The Simpsons). The highlights of the trip have all been in Dunedin (where I had asked to be sent) – playing at Arc Café, jamming with Clayton Noone, seeing James Robinson’s paintings up close.

I don’t exactly feel like I’ve gained much from Mosgiel, but it was a breathing space and I’m calmer in that I realised I had to stop attacking myself. In some oblique background sense the US elections might even have helped - we're entering a dangerous period in history and I'm more use to the world staying positive & creative & doing what I can to help than if I crawl into a hole and let myself wither away. I’ve identified two opposing forces within myself: a drive to create and live ethically and help others; and a self-destructive urge to just crawl into a dark corner and wither away.

I got a lot of good work done in the last year, made a couple of valuable new friends, raised my profile slightly both on the net and in person, and broke some new musical ground (though not as much as last year but I’ve had less time). On the other hand there was the way I snatched defeat from the jaws of victory in the final weeks of the journalism course, I had a falling out with DoC who I thought had saved my life last year, and the healing & peacemaking process with my ex-girlfriend has regressed back to us trading childish insults. And having been a student for most of the year even my finances have taken a large step backwards. Also, while I’m not quite as shy as I was the tradeoff is that I’m getting older & crustier – the lines on my face are getting pretty obvious and my hair’s been thinning rapidly over the last couple of months. Premature ageing seems to be a consequence of worrying too much, but I’ve got a long way to go yet (& yesterday I interviewed a 72 year-old who’d recently done an 1818km cycling trip from Switzerland to Denmark – could do worse for a role model).

Taking everything into account though, am I better off than I was four years ago? On balance, yes.

New chapter – the first big obstacle to get over is unemployment, as of Saturday. Here lies danger – unemployment can be financially, emotionally and psychologically devastating. Must get job ASAP. And get more exercise. And do more guitar practice. And more writing. But those are reasonable expectations – I can manage…

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Posted by fiffdimension at November 5, 2004 09:26 AM | TrackBack