This isn’t right, the way I’m feeling. I need help. I’m apparently still unstable, going from feeling fine one minute to completely down the next. This evening I was at a gig at Valve, felt alright until one of the bands started playing some pretty straight-ahead rock that I didn’t enjoy. I found myself sitting outside for nearly an hour, chin resting on my hand and being uncommunicative. Elisa walked past at one point – gave me a rush of sour adrenalin – but didn’t notice me. Probably just as well or there could have been an(other) ugly confrontation.
I’d spent the day doing some casual gardening work, pulling out weeds mainly. Useful exercise + income, and good to be outdoors. Next week I have to go sign up for the dole, which is one of the world’s more degrading experiences. I probably should get some kind of ‘career related’ job soon though, one with a bit of social contact. Today I just had two yapping dogs for company.
At the moment I’m working on two albums that I want to get finished before the end of the year, maybe in time for my 26th birthday on December 9th if they go smoothly. It’s good to not be tied down by too many responsibilities right now – no assignments due thankfully (besides the dozen or so self-imposed tasks on my ‘to do’ list on the wall). I got two albums done last year, and an album and a booklet of short stories in 2002 during periods of unemployment – so it’s not like I sit around and watch tv when I don’t have a job. Maybe I need a month of unemployment each year so I can get my real work done. This is also the third year in a row that time’s come in Spring.
I’ll feel better if/when I can get a gig lined up. It gives me something to focus on, and playing gigs is one of the most fun activities I can think of (that and making love). At the moment I don’t have one to look forward to so feel a bit useless. I think part of the reason I spun out on the course was that I was too busy for any more gigs after Meatwaters (Ascension Band played on September 10th). I’d been putting all my heart into that performance, and when it was over life seemed a bit empty. I had nothing to look forward to but shorthand tests and assignments, and I shaved and got my hair cut to remind myself I had to ‘go straight’ for a few weeks. Except of course that just made me feel down and I couldn’t summon the energy required to get shorthand up to speed. Then failing it shattered my confidence and I had a mild breakdown, complete with hair loss (hasn’t stopped yet sadly). The trip to Otago was valuable time out, but now I’m back in Wellington and not quite sure I want to be here.
The main reason for me to stay in Wellington would be the chance to play more with Ascension Band, but several people are going away for the summer so it may not be viable. I’ll find out. And Fringe Festival applications are due soon - do I want to commit to doing one? It would limit my options for moving around.
So I’ve got plenty to keep busy with, and there’s really nothing for me to be unhappy about. But I want to sleep too much, I have no sex drive, and my moods are unstable - classic signs of depression. Better be careful, and find some positive steps to take. I could start by tidying my room – it’s a filthy mess right now.
Well, unemployment always makes me moody. Not to mention Wellington...
Posted by: arcite at November 13, 2004 06:37 AM