plasticwrap

Critical Balance

The security lights outside my window have been blazing all night, which has kind of messed up my circadian rhythm. I kept waking up thinking it was seven and time to get up. At 4.30 I gave up and got up.

Isn’t it odd that in our free society, I can’t find a place to scream? I just want to yell for 5 minutes. But pretty much anywhere, even someplace fairly remote, you run the risk of some helpful and concerned citizen calling the cops, or at least coming to investigate. Good on them, I’d rather they did than ignore it, but it still leaves me without a place to scream!

We are silenced and made self-conscious by our proximity to each other and our distance from the land.

Not many news items really need TV. Did you see on TV3 about the 14-year-old who made a rape complaint and her parents weren’t informed (rightly so, in my opinion, but that’s another spiel) – TV3 ran footage of a school in the course of the article, and then the next night had to apologise, because the footage wasn’t of the school in question, and the people at the school shown had been upset. So really, my question is, why show any pictures at all?

I’ve been thinking recently about how much disapproval runs my life. I think it’s largely from the church I was brought up in and also from my parents. But it’s like, I get so scared that people are looking at what I’m eating or buying or how much I’m spending and stuff that I end up walking out of the supermarket with nothing but a loaf of bread. I find it really hard to find the balance in things – it’s like, I can’t just try to budget a little better, I have to go to extremes and try to do the impossible because I’m scared if I’m not trying my absolute hardest, everyone is going to judge me and find wanting. Not even my best is good enough. You know? And it makes it so hard, because I never live up to my expectations, so I fear that everyone else is thinking how useless I am. And that’s why it hurts so much when doctors and other people tell me to “try harder”. I’m always at my maximum, so that statement always sends me into a frantic tailspin.

My life is so ruled by anxiety. But I think it’s a big part for me in terms of understanding and managing my eating disorder. I’ve got to find the balance in there someplace, between pushing myself enough but also recognising limitations and being gentle. Arrgh! Even writing this down makes me panic. Life is so slippery without rules. But I suspect it is a lot more free.