August 31, 2004

Critical Balance

The security lights outside my window have been blazing all night, which has kind of messed up my circadian rhythm. I kept waking up thinking it was seven and time to get up. At 4.30 I gave up and got up.

Isnít it odd that in our free society, I canít find a place to scream? I just want to yell for 5 minutes. But pretty much anywhere, even someplace fairly remote, you run the risk of some helpful and concerned citizen calling the cops, or at least coming to investigate. Good on them, Iíd rather they did than ignore it, but it still leaves me without a place to scream!

We are silenced and made self-conscious by our proximity to each other and our distance from the land.

Not many news items really need TV. Did you see on TV3 about the 14-year-old who made a rape complaint and her parents werenít informed (rightly so, in my opinion, but thatís another spiel) Ė TV3 ran footage of a school in the course of the article, and then the next night had to apologise, because the footage wasnít of the school in question, and the people at the school shown had been upset. So really, my question is, why show any pictures at all?

Iíve been thinking recently about how much disapproval runs my life. I think itís largely from the church I was brought up in and also from my parents. But itís like, I get so scared that people are looking at what Iím eating or buying or how much Iím spending and stuff that I end up walking out of the supermarket with nothing but a loaf of bread. I find it really hard to find the balance in things Ė itís like, I canít just try to budget a little better, I have to go to extremes and try to do the impossible because Iím scared if Iím not trying my absolute hardest, everyone is going to judge me and find wanting. Not even my best is good enough. You know? And it makes it so hard, because I never live up to my expectations, so I fear that everyone else is thinking how useless I am. And thatís why it hurts so much when doctors and other people tell me to ďtry harderĒ. Iím always at my maximum, so that statement always sends me into a frantic tailspin.

My life is so ruled by anxiety. But I think itís a big part for me in terms of understanding and managing my eating disorder. Iíve got to find the balance in there someplace, between pushing myself enough but also recognising limitations and being gentle. Arrgh! Even writing this down makes me panic. Life is so slippery without rules. But I suspect it is a lot more free.

Posted by phreq at August 31, 2004 02:38 PM | TrackBack
Comments

I read that that girl had a mental disability so although normally I don't necessarily think the school should have told them, in this instance it was kind of inappropriate.
And tell me bout the paranoia!! I have issues all day every day. I'm just getting better at saying they're all in my head, not everyone is watching everything I do. But it's tough. You're doing really well & you'll get there!!

Posted by: Ema at August 31, 2004 04:51 PM

As a teenager I had a 'phase' where I'd get the urge to scream. and scream. normally I would go into my room, close the doon, shove a cushion in front of my mouth and then scream. Not so disturbing of others. I do remember one time I went out into my back yard and just let rip. I went back in and Dad was all, are you allright? I was. I just wanted to scream. When I was little I remember having screaming competitions.

Now I find it hard enough to find a place just so I can do my funny sounding singing practise!

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