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Dog Soup, And Some Other Things

Every morning I make some delicious dog soup, which contains zero dogs but is full of hearty goodness. Basically it's chicken mince, rice, beef stock, a dab of olive oil, peas, pork bones and any leftover food from the previous day - popcorn, apple cores, mashed potato etc. Then you mix it all together with a few litres of water, cook it up for a few minutes and serve. To the dogs. It looks and smells like... well, a dog's breakfast, but they do seem to enjoy it.

Well the puppies have gone off to their new homes yesterday - except Georgia, the little female, which Deb is keeping. Soooo very cute. All the pups were microchipped before sale - ohmigod! Have you seen an animal being microchipped? The needle they use to insert it looks more like a woodworking tool - it's like this sharp edged hollow metal tube about 2mm in diameter - and they just jab it in with that! Ouch! The pups yelped and I'm not bloody surprised... not pleasant. But I guess it does make sense with pedigree animals, because if you're forking over $1000 for a dog you want to make sure you can prove it's your if it gets nicked.

I will post some pics of the pups next time I get online, I took some before they went yesterday.

Thank you so much guys for your support over therapy/eating disorders thing. It's nice to know I've got warm thoughts out there. It's freaking me out still but I have decided to kind of write off this week and not be too hard on myself for not accomplishing much. If I get to both those appts, I'll be doing well.

Things are weird that the moment with my family. I asked Mum and Dad for some money a couple of weeks ago, because I was pretty desperate (food vouchers from WINZ-level desperate). They said basically that they weren't sure how much they could do to help me because it felt like I only ever got in touch with them if I needed something. Anyway we actually had quite a real conversation - I ended up bawling my eyes out but at least we were kind of honest with each other about some things. I told them how early my eating disorder and suicidality had started in my life, and how much the sexual abuse had stuffed up my life and continues to do so.

So a good conversation. Then a couple of weeks went by without me hearing from them - I caught up with my brother Matt (awesome time with him, our relationship has improved no end) and with Giffy - and then I finally got scared because my doctor was threatening to send my bill to Baycorp. So I called Mum and asked if they could pay it. That I understood if they didn't want to give me money, but could they send me food vouchers for the supermarket? That I needed to go to the doctor but couldn't afford it. That I needed to get back into therapy but couldn't afford it.

They said that they would pay that bill, but they didn't feel they could do anything else to help me until our relationship improved. And that they weren't sure whether they were getting the full story, part of the story or if I was just lying to them about my childhood in general, and the sexual abuse in particular.

So basically I'm worth a begrudging $50 for the creditors, but they will not help their anorexic daughter buy food! But you know what really hurts the most? Is that my parents fundamentally assume that I am such a fucked up person that I would lie to them about being sexually abused as a child to extort money from them! I mean, my GOD! Notwithstanding the last 4 years I've been in therapy. Or the suicide attempts at school that they wrote off to "attention seeking". Or the disturbing notes from primary school teachers that they wanted my to see a psychologist. Or the 8 months I spent in hospital last year. Or the fact that I'm living on the bones of my ass trying to make ends meet and have been for the last several years because it's damn hard to hold down a job when you're terrified every moment you're outside your house and end up in the loos at work crying every break time because it's just so exhausting being that scared the whole time.

WHAT THE FUCK COULD I POSSIBLY HAVE TO GAIN? That they can look down their noses at me for yet another reason? You think I want to put the image of me being abused in their minds when they look at me? You think I want them to think of me as a mentally ill failure? You think I wanted to be raped and hurt and ignored and then DISBELIEVED on top of it all? And they wonder why the hell I didn't come to them earlier.

I knew all along in my bitterest heart-of-hearts that they would accuse me of lying. And I've told myself for years that I'm not being fair, I'm prejudging them, I'm not giving them a chance to be understanding. I guess now I know I was right in the first place. But god this hurts. I can't describe the pain of this abandonment and denial. I'm glad I didn't tell them sooner because I think if I'd done this when I was any weaker that I am now the pain would have killed me.

All I wanted was a hug and a "we're so sorry that happened to you. we're so sorry you had to go through that all alone. what a terrible thing to happen to a precious little girl. we love you and we want to protect you."

Fat chance.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr. Ok, rant over :)

Not much else is happening, really. I did a cool painting about anorexia over the weekend. I'll take a picture of it and post it when I put the puppies up.

--- Later ---

Puppy pics and painting pics follow... there are a few of them but I will take them off once this page goes to archive to save server space :)

Posted by phreq at July 27, 2004 09:50 AM | TrackBack