I seem to get to the net less and less frequently these days so I hope my friends will excuse me the lack of emails and catch up on my doings via this blog. It's either this or a bulk email (which I find more impersonal).
Today is Leon's birthday, he's 28. This morning he's up at the hospital... poor guy, what a way to spend your (probably) last birthday. He is understandably fairly distressed. I bought him a wee gift, but men are just so hard to buy for if you don't know them all that well.
Nah, Giffy, I hadn't cut my hair when you saw me (but thank you for the compliment nonetheless!) - I will have to take a photo of it when I take a puppy pic and post them both. The puppies are leaving on Monday (*sniff*) - all except for the little girl (Georgia) which Deb is keeping as a replacement Cavalier breeding bitch. So that will help to ease the separation tug! Marmoo (the tiny little boy) is just so cute - it is lucky he is not staying any longer, I'm too attached already.
I finally (after 6 months) got an appointment at the Eating Disorders service down here, next Thursday. It's both a good and a bad thing... I mean, good to get some help, because I need to, but I guess like the junkie facing detox I'm tempted by the 'one last bender' mentality and also very scared of having to give up something so much a part of me. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am fully cognizant of the necessity of doing something about this, it is really affecting my life, and I don't want it to... but that is the long term view, and in the short term each mouthful is terrifying and each gram is too much.
I know that sounds nuts, it's because I am :) But it's like a phobia, I guess. I know my fear doesn't make rational sense but it doesn't make things any less scary.
I have worked out a magnificent system for walking all four (or five) dogs at once - I have like a starfish lead. There is a half-length lead that has a handle on one end and a metal ring on the other. I threaded a caribena (sp?) through the ring and then hooked all the leads on to it. Two half-length leads, two full-length leads, which means that they can trot in formation front and back rather than fighting to all walk abreast. We go down to the local park for half an hour each afternoon and they tear around like mad things, chasing one another. They're pretty good on recall as well, as long as you catch 'em early!
I start psychotherapy again next Friday, which is also quite freaky since it will be someone totally new and I am more used to my psychotherapist in Wellington, who I've known for years and who rocks. They didn't want to move to Christchurch tho :) It will be good to get back into therapy again, but hard work to build that trust relationship with someone new. It will take a bit of effort to get the groundwork in.
good luck with your appointment hun. i get what you mean about the good/bad thing. it took me about 4 years b4 i'd acknowledge that maybe having a full-on panic attack everytime i came across a new situation was something that i should do something about.
first i had to accept i actually had a problem (part of me didn't want to, cos it gave me such a good reason to get out of stuff that scared me - 'i can't go, i'm sick, i just threw up!' - and also, what if they were wrong? what if i WAS physically sick and they just thought it was in my head?) and then i had to deal with what other ppl might think, and what i thought about accepting it (i ended up unintentionally being pretty open about it, and that made it easier in the long run too, i think).
plus it was a lot of effort to do something about. i had to re-learn how to breathe, cos i was doing it wrong, had to re-train my brain and pretty much brainwash myself with positive mantra and spent a while in therapy.
and even when i knew what i was doing was helping, it was so tempting just to give up and just let myself have an attack. it was a total control thing for me - i was worried about a situation and would have a panic attack, which let me out of the situation i didn't want to be in(all on a subconscious level) - so in learning to control the panic, i was losing my control of the situation (ie, having to face it rather than escape it).
i know looking back that i'm 10x happier now than i ever was, and therapy was the best thing i've ever done and will probably ever do.
so good luck with it all, and many warm fluffy thoughts coming your way *hugs* Z
New therapist must be a bit scary but good step. Not to mention the weirdness of the fact that you are living with therapists, right?
Why are they keeping the girl? Can the Mum not be used for breeding anymore or are they puppy greedy? That tiny one, Marmoo was sooooooo cute! They were all so cute and shaky! But I guess they must be a bunch more trouble now.
Not surprised you haven't had much time for net, you seemed busy keeping things smooth for the family.
You are awesome!
Posted by: giffy at July 25, 2004 03:34 PMhey honey bunch! hurrah! im so glad you are going to the eating disorders clinic. was the slowness on their part? grrr. im sending you big hugs everyday, so take a minute each morning to receive them ok? hope things start getting better steadily for you, you deserve it!! love you lots, with hugs.
Posted by: sok at July 25, 2004 07:03 PMThanks
Posted by: Online Home Loans at November 19, 2005 09:11 PM