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You know what? If woman cannot expose their chests in public, neither should men.

You know that guy who wanders round Wellington in a duvet and y-fronts? If the police are willing to tolerate that, then you should be allowed to breast feed anywhere!

Most women are very modest in how they breast feed anyway. It's not a case "flopping it out" as so many men feel compelled to phrase it - usually nothing can be seen except maybe half an inch of flesh, the sprog's head and the mum's t-shirt.

In a society that allows dogs to lick themselves in public with impunity, where skinny-dipping and outdoor sex are considered rites of passage - you wanna breastfeed, be my guest!

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If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

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A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

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There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

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I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

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You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

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When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Disney's A Christmas Carol": An animated retelling of the Charles Dickens classic. With Jim Carrey, Gary Oldman, Michael J. Fox and Robin Wright Penn. Midnight screenings tonight.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

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Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

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If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

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Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

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TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

There's never a hammer. That's? the shotgun of hand to hand.
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Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

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If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

incremental progress: Things on my mind

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Yeah? that dude screwed up if you listen to his story, he explains how he lost all his money. The other dudes are pretty well off though.
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The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.