July 05, 2004

In it for the long term

The 17 questions meme from Suraya

1. How old are you?


2. Male or female?


3. How long have you been together with your current?

Twelve years

4. How long ago did you meet?

Twelve years probably, maybe 13?

5. How did you meet?

In the staff room at school. A mutual friend said R this is Toni... We looked at each other, said hello, and went back to our mutually more interesting Cversations with other people.
Then the same mutual friend took us on a 5-6 day tramping trip where we managed not to speak to each other for nearly the whole trip. He labelled me in his head a 'hippy bitch'. I had him pinned as sub-human, as he didn't speak to anyone much for the whole time. Didn't look at them (13 kids and 2 other adults), didn't respond to people at all.

6. Were either of you in relationships with other people when you met?


7. What other significant stuff was going on/had been going on in your life at the time you two got together, eg, had you recently started a new job, had some kind of life-changing experience, moved house, etc?

I was single, but I think I had been for a while for me, like 3-4 months at least. He had just been fucked with by a nasty piece of work who took advantage of his generosity with his money and time.

Apart from that we were pretty stable, in long term jobs and stable housing etc.

8. Have you broken up and got back together during the course of your relationship? If so, how many times and for how long?

We have never broken up, but we have talked about it...

9. Do you live together? If so, since when?

Yes, for 12 years

10. How long had you been "together" before the relationship became "intimate"?

Probably 3-6 months? Its a wee while back now!

11. How many previous relationships have you had, of say, three months or longer?

Lets just say many, and leave it at that.

12. Have you had any particularly negative or traumatic past relationship experiences?


13. Are your parents still in a relationship with each other? Your partner's?

Yes, both sets of parents are still together. My parents have been married 40 years now, and his 38 (I think)

14. Have you been single for a year or more since you were say, 18?

Maybe, but possibly not.

15. Have you already, or do you plan to, reproduce in the next five years?

Have 2 children

16. Do you think you and your partner are quite alike or quite different? Do you think this is important to your, shall we say, compatibility, and if so how and why?

We share some similar things, and other stuff is really different. I think having some things in common helps. It means you don't have to negotiate compromise on every damn thing. And we are two seperate people, so we have a lot of things we disagree on. That makes the relationship more interesting...

17. Share some learning/knowledge/information that you think is necessary in making a relationship work.

For a relationship to last you have to be committed to it - that means you have to stay in it when the going gets tough.

Long term intense relationships have parts where you have to work at it - it ain't all beer and skittles. Especially when you put kids in the mix, and the exhaustion levels therefore increase.

Don't get into stinking thinking - meaning don't focus in your mind on the things a partner does that annoy you. If you Cstantly run them down in your head, that is going to be what you think about them. No-one is completely negative, and if they are why are you their partner??? Remind yourself of why you like them, not why you should leave them.

When thinking about leaving think about why. Is it really that important to you that the toilet seat is left in whatever position? Or the toothpaste? Its a big decision to leave a long term relationship so leave for big reasons, not the small stuff.

Posted by Toni at July 5, 2004 01:20 PM