Schrodinger's Cat: apology not accepted

September 27, 2005

apology not accepted

I've become embroiled in controversy. Here's something new to be struggling with apart from shorthand (which is still like pulling teeth - two and a bit weeks to go, it's getting down to the wire). Email I got back is below as case evidence. You can decide whether you believe my version of the story (2 posts back) or hers. As always, this is documented here for the sake of not keeping secrets. Oh and it contains swearing, so stop reading now if that bothers you.

I won't try and refute it here except to speculate on who she meant by other women in the band. Fran and Belle left to go overseas and I'm on good terms with them. I'd trust Felicity to tell me if she had any problems (though I know her sister doesn't like me for a public confrontation she saw me have with Elisa around July 2003 - I threw beer in Elisa's face at Bodega, a darkly hilarious experience and about the most violent thing I've ever done; she'd been provoking me for months). Sheree, Nigel's flatmate and Belle's bandmate in Hell Fucken Rumble, great raw guitar player, turned up one time a year ago to jam but according to Nigel 'she didn't trust half the guys in the band'. And he said Erica wasn't sure about Sam (though she gave me a hug, as does Fran).

So clearly we do have issues to work through. Might be better to not have women in the group at all, though that seems like a cop out as does simply disbanding - we've come too far. My big worry is that if the whole project gets a tarnished reputation from rumours going around, it could make the whole thing too much of an uphill battle. We can't do anything without the goodwill of 'the people'. I suspect girls around town might be more inclined to believe ____'s version of the story...

"I'm still really pissed off with you and think you are back-pedaling hard
out just to try and save your own ass. Don't you fuckin get it?! Can't you
fuckin remember what you did that night?!
"Let me refresh yr hippie-wannabe memory: _____ had Crashed Out. Asleep.
Coma. Not Conscious. Get it?! I said I would fill up my drink bottle in the
kitchen, you were to come with me into the kitchen just to get you out of my
bedroom to let _____ have some privacy so she could sleep, then you went
back in there for what?! yeah- to say 'goodbye' to her. What the fuck were
you thinking Dave- she was K.O. What were you hoping huh? that she'd wake up
to say bye to you or something? fuk man, she didn't even know you. And what
did you do? huh? You fuckin took her hand and held it as you bent down real
close to her face and fuck I dunno, you oh so tenderly said good bye to a
wasted, asleep chick you'd never met before in your life. You didn't just
let go of her hand either mate, you drew it out as though you were being
pulled away from the love of your life. Sick dude, sick.
"What else, ah yes, do you then recall me practically foaming at the mouth at
you asking what the FUCK you thought you were doing whispering sweet
nothings to a coma'd out wasted chick fast asleep? Why did you feel
compelled to touch her even tho she was FAST ASLEEP!!!!! you fuck.
And then, to top it all off, you had the nerve to wrap your gross wierdo
arms around me after I basically had to push you out of my house cos you
just didn't get it. And yeah I said 'stop that' and 'you're wierding me
out', but you didn't. Oh no, it was a big long smelly man wierd fucked hug
and you didn't let go, like you were tryin to get off on feeling my tits
against yr shallow chest.
"But what pisses me off the most, is to hear that you've been wierding chicks
out all over town. I've spoken to someone who say's girls leave the
Ascension Band not long after joining because of you being a gross wierd
dick, so don't you try pulling excuses outa yr ass about hanging out with
hippies lately, nah, you've been pulling this shit on for quite some time I
suspect.

"Yeah, so hopefully this is your wake up call, dude. I just hope that _____
and I are the last women you ever try to pull your gross wierd shit on, cos
quite frankly I have no joy at all in writing you this email, but someones
gotta or you will never learn.I do not accept your appologies and fuck yr
band, no wonder there's no chicks left in it."

Posted by fiffdimension at September 27, 2005 02:23 PM | TrackBack

Comments

Jeez, that's a bit heavy.
Chicks in bands always cause problems, you're better off without.

Posted by: Joe at September 27, 2005 05:22 PM

Jeez, that's a bit of a generalisation...

Posted by: Dave at September 27, 2005 05:56 PM

All this looks terribly upsetting. Obviously, she feels that you've behaved badly and have invaded her and the KO's 'chick's' space. But let's look at this calmly:
1. You have apologised for any offense caused. And we are only talking about a *hug.*
2. Don't worry so much about being called 'sleazy.' Accept that you are who you are and that probably does include 'sleazy' aspects. Stuff it: you are an artist so you have to accept yourself--which doesn't mean that you have a license to hassle women or be a sexist. But, chuck, metro hetero males fancy women and that's just goes with the dick. So accept yourself and accept that you are attracted to women. We have to tolerate and accept our *own* sexuality. But you also have to ask yourself if you are annoying women in the band--are you able to work well with these women? Are you hassling them in ways that piss them off. There's no right or wrong here--it's just a question of what does or does not hurt others.
3. Call up a women friend and go and have coffee. Ask her how she feels about your working relationships with women. Has she heard anything? What does she feel you should do?
4. Once you have made the apology, state again your understanding of the events and back-off. Don't make a big deal about it. (I would be tempted to endlessly replay and worry about it.)
5. You weren't drunk or wasted were you? All that screws up our ability to know limits.
6. Don't let this stop you from you work.
7. Never listen to advice given on the net (ha, ha!)
:)

Posted by: arcite at September 28, 2005 09:13 AM

She sounds like she is reacting in fear. Perhaps she has been in a situation or two that cause her to feel very strongly about 'liberties' with a less-than-fully-conscious girl.

You apologised. If you were sleazy, taking advantage or anything, you wouldn't bother apologising. Believe me, I've been treated atrociously by sleazy guys in my time, and they never apologise.

Has the girl in question actually had anything to say about it? It seems to me that *she* should be the offended party. Also, be aware that when thje other girl says "everyone says blah about you", she is probably referring to a few women who had a bitch session "bonding" over a bottle of wine.

I repeat - I'm a chick, I've been through some nasty times with men, but I think fron your blog, I'd be happy to hug you! You have a tender soul that comes through very articulately in your writing.

Kia kaha

Posted by: phreq at September 28, 2005 09:49 AM

chin up...
all belly buttons gather fluff.

Posted by: prelapsarian soul-deviance at September 28, 2005 02:03 PM

Thanks for the comments - there was me thinking no one read this blog any more.

I am inclined to think fear and insecurity are behind her reaction; a pity I'm not helping her. I'd say her description of the events is a big exaggeration - she says mine is back-pedalling to save my own ass.

Main thing I'm worried about is having malicious rumours going around. That and passing shorthand (which accounts for a greater portion of my current stress - ironically I just got offered some more journalism temp work at the Kapiti Observer again for next week).

Posted by: Dave at September 28, 2005 03:47 PM

There are a few things you should clear up - just how out of it were you? Could this girl really have been semi-conscious when you said goodbye?

Anyway, hope it's all sorted out soon, and hopefully ____ will not find out you've published her email to the world, as I suspect that might make things worse in the short term (don't stop being honest and open on your blog though!)

Posted by: Joe at September 29, 2005 09:21 AM

It was at the late evening stage where we'd all had some drinks but they were wearing off. A joint was passed around, hence her paranoia?

Posted by: Dave at September 29, 2005 11:42 AM

Ay, mate, the amount of rumours that have flown around about me... Wellington is small but not *that* small. People worth knowing will hear both sides of the story before making a call on it.

And frankly, it's just not sensational enough for gossips to keep repeating. Eh, you held a chick's hand and gave another chick a hug. Woot. Call me when you're scrawling a body count in your victim's blood. ;)

Posted by: phreq at October 3, 2005 08:09 AM

Posted by: Laquita Cangelosi at October 13, 2008 11:53 AM

Posted by: Bessie Parson at October 18, 2008 04:14 AM