Things took a surprise turn for the worse yesterday - one of the women in the band quit because of me. This is a nasty surprise, needs to be addressed fairly urgently. What happened was a few weeks ago I went back to ____'s flat (probably better not to name names here even if it looks cheesy) with her & her girlfriend - not realising they had that kind of relationship going - after a gig at the Caledonian. We talked a bit and since I'd been getting on well with her gf, when it was time to leave I touched her (the gf's) hand and said goodnight and she gave mine a squeeze back. I commented on it here a few posts back, thought it was a lovely affectionate moment that didn't need to be taken any further to give pleasure.
____ freaked out somewhat - "what are you doing?". I said I was only being friendly. Then I tried to give _____ a hug at the door, which she didn't appreciate, so I shrugged it off and left.
I think _____ showed insecurity - got a bit paranoid and obviously thought I was some kind of predatory sleaze character. I thought I was just being friendly, no sexual intent. Do you believe that? Bear in mind that _____ might tell the story differently. You've got to understand that I'm a borderline social retard, an only child sent to a boys' school, not much good at reading situations, and still have issues with depression and shyness. I thought I was doing well, having got to the point where I had the confidence to give someone a hug, that was my main reason for doing it: an experiment to see if I could... but it backfired. I suppose the lesson is there are some women you can give a friendly hug to, and some you can't. The skill must be in telling them apart.
I'm more than happy to apologise to _____. The last thing I want is a dodgy reputation; I hope there aren't rumours going around. It would be a terrible tragedy if Ascension Band sinks over this after all the work we've put in - and so much potential yet to achieve.
I enjoyed the practice last night - I'd be quite happy to thin the group down to just the core members who showed up. It'd certainly ease some of the logistical challenges. I don't mind what form the band takes or even what we play, so long as we do something. I'm selfish insofar as I don't care too much who's in the band, so long as I can be in it. My role is the instigator, kick starting the whole thing and also doing a lot of the organising and promotional work - the details of the band and music itself I've delegated. I'm not interested in controlling it, more just in seeing what happens and being part of a collaboration. Maybe that's a fault - should I start another band where I just tell people what to play? Part of the problem with that is that I don't have the vocabulary.
The big band format also presents its problems, partly with logistics and partly with petty politics and weird vibes between some people. The details are unimportant, but it feels like maybe some of the goodwill or aroha we picked up earlier in the year is evaporating. For me it's a familiar feeling, with many artistic projects they seem to get harder in the late stages - it's less fun. Maybe there's something wrong with my working methods, I tend to go against the flow. Or in other words, in this case having women onboard makes it a much richer project but it's maybe too much trouble? There's more that can go wrong.
Anyway, this is a dangerous situation. There's potential for me to become ostracised in Wellington if I get branded a sleaze. Villagers with pitchforks and burning torches pounding at the door... The beautiful plans for touring, taking the band over to Australia and even reconfiguring again later in Europe could come to naught.
If I had to name the most unpleasant aspect of my character, the thing I dislike about myself the most, I'd say jealousy. The love/hate relationship I have with Wellington centres on the arts scene, particularly music and film. I don't often go out to see bands these days partly because I find myself thinking "That should be me up there". Yet actually engaging with the muse and getting across to an audience requires an openness and generosity of spirit, which some days I don't seem to have. I get bitter about being passed over, which alienates others and so a vicious circle forms.
There's also the issue of technical skill. I haven't had much formal training in music so am technically a long way behind most of the people I measure myself up against, which causes frustration. But Cynthia pointed out that I made a whole series of albums with less technical skill than I have now. She's right - I had ideas. I hope I can still find some. I think of it as punk music, DIY, regardless of the fact that I don't meet the dress code to fit into the punk scene. As for technique, it can be acquired. I'm trying to decide whether to sign up for the jazz foundation course at Massey next year - the expense, and having to spend another half year in Wellington look to be the arguments against.
In any case all the signs seem to be telling me to get out of Wellington over the summer - I need time outdoors to chill out and let this whole thing blow over...
Horoscope for today: There is a happy surprise in store when you stop feeling like the axe is about to fall. Some straight talking is needed as you gather your power to you again. Avoid the temptation to quarrel unless you go for the jugular and are prepared to go through with your threats. If you lose your credibility it's over!
Man, that's a hard situation. You cannot be expected to read every situation perfectly, and picking up on emotional relationships that aren't declared is really tricky.
Most people appreciate a hug, but then again, I have to say that a woman friend of a friend tried to hug and double-kiss me and that was a bit much contact for me on a first meeting!
*hugs* there you go - would give them in person if that were possible :)
Posted by: phreq at September 27, 2005 08:45 AM