North Korea fired a Silkworm missile, and I'm reading a history of landmines at the moment, so Butterfly mines are in my thoughts. Why do we call weapons of destruction such cutesy names?
Operation Enduring Freedom could have been called something less cynical, too.
Today I went back to the wreckers (the guy is beginning to recognise me) and got a hard-to-find fuse for the heater that (fingers crossed) may mean I actually have heat in the car this winter. If the fuse doesn't fix it, I'll just have to rip out the dash again and examine the wiring.
I'm eating better at the moment, it's kind of excruciating. Not only do I feel like an ugly lump, it's also massively expensive to eat right. I'm spending over $120 a week on food, which seems to me a stunning sum. I used to be able to spend $40/week including dog food. But WINZ don't take "eating more" as a reason for "spending more".
I had a nasty (although familiar) experience in the supermarket today, essentially a 'panic attack', which is psychobabble for overwhelming anxiety. I think it's cos I only had $10 but I had to get something for dinner, so I was having to think about money and 'health' and deal with the screaming "god you're an ugly fat bitch" voices in my head all at once and I just kinda lost it. It's really embarrassing - shaking and crying and sweating in public is not my idea of a discrete and pleasurable shopping experience.
However, I managed to sweep myself up into a semblance of functioning adulthood and escape back home where it is safe... I hate the way this anxiety impacts my life. What kind of job am I ever going to be able to handle again when I end up in tears several times a day? I piss me off at times. I remind myself of a poorly written program that wasn't coded with any exception handling. If things go perfectly, it works just fine, but throw in an anomaly and the entire system crashes.
What kind of power tool would I use to screw a screw or punch a nail through a brass plumbing fitting? I need a super drill or something.
Posted by phreq at May 2, 2005 06:37 PM | TrackBack*hugs* i bet that's real hard. good on you for eating better - despite what your head is telling you. i don't think you could be an "ugly lump" if you tried, sweetie :)
yah. panic attacks suck muchly. my mum used to make me carry rescue remedy round with me which weirdly enuff did defer an attack if i used it early enuff. i suspect the awful taste (like eating dandelions or ear wax or something) would shock me into a less anxious state. ironic that something gag-worthy taste-wise helped make me not throw up. you can get those aroma-pod smell things tho which are less icky. i've found that smell can very much evoke different emotional states. so maybe try finding one of them, or a scent of some sort, and spend some time associating it with something good (e.g. smell it when ever you're in a happy mood, or smell of it and think of things that make you happy) and then after while you'll think of the happy thing when you smell the smell (what about a corner of sock's blanket?). i know i did the reverse with a perfume my mum bought me: i used it when i was going out to important events (that i was of course nervous about) and after a while i found if i put the perfume on, i suddenly felt panicky for (i thought ) no reason.
anyhoo, i'm sure you LOOVE ppl giving you random advice about smells.
*BIG more HUGS* good on you for being strong sweets
luv
Z
Yay for the eating! Spending money is bad but you are doing well. You still sticking to the many fruits and veges? How did that suppliment we bought last time you were here work?
You are not fat or ugly. Having panic attacks must be horrible, but I think you are wonderful.
Love
Giffy
Posted by: giffy at May 3, 2005 08:53 AMThanks guys... I will try the aroma-pod thing, thanks for the tip. Supplement is good, thank you.
Posted by: phreq at May 3, 2005 08:57 AMi'm gonna get my workmate on to aroma stuff too. something small and discrete to help her cope with evil workmate from hell. i found a 'room mist', but i figured what with office politics etc, spraying madly everytime evil workmate enters the vacinity ain't too discrete. but yeah, those aromapods are normally just in supermarkets, with all the vitamins etc. just make sure to first smell it a few times while doing something enjoyable, or thinking happy or calming thoughts. i think that's the secret.
luvs
Z
Sweets! It sounds like you're doing really well - which is cool :-)
With the brass plumbing you can get masonry bits for standard drills that drill through stuff like concrete, brass etc. The packets usually say what they're good for.
Posted by: Emba at May 6, 2005 11:11 AM