I hate caring about how I look. I am so bloody sick of it. It makes me feel like a shallow loser to be so fucking worried over my weight. I don't want to care about it!
My fondest wish at the moment is for someone to shoot me full of tranquilisers and hospitalise me for six months until I am at my scientifically determined ideal weight. That's about the only solution I can see, and that's terrifiying, because it's a solution that isn't going to happen.
I've gotten up to my 'correct' weight a couple of times and ended up back in the pits of anorexia. I don't think it is, except at its most obvious, a weight issue. It's so hard to try to eat 'right' outside of a very short time frame. Within a week or two at the most, I'm back to eating the corners off bread and reasoning that wine counts as carbohydrate servings.
God! I don't want to be this pathetic weak shallow bitch who cares about her weight enough to die from it. I'm not that person! Why the fuck is she trying to kill me?
But as soon as I put on weight, I hate myself. To the point of considering cutting the fat off myself, physically. To the point of wanting to suicide, because it seems so hard to have to choose between a thin pretty corpse or a big fat hunk of lard that lives.
God I don't want to care about this anymore. Make it stop!
I always thought it would be about how you thought other people perceived you rather than you not liking how you look.
You must be a confident person if
A) You acknowledge what your doing is harmful to yourself and
B) The people that you like\love (from what I can see, and I have a limited view, insights from within a browser window) are obviously upset that you feel the way that you do.
And yet you are compelled to carry on.
I don’t think I understand. I’ve never been that confident or determined to follow a certain path in my life ever. Maybe it’s why I have never exceeded my expectations.
But it seams a shame to channel that tenacity into something that makes you sad.
And I agree waiting for anyone officious to kidnap you and change the situation seams a lost hope.
But if someone does come along, can you send them my way after you have finished as I have incurable shyness that I would like attended to.
Lastly and my opinion matters little here, but I will state it anyway, mainly as a treatment to my affliction. You are a person I find interesting; we find few of them in life so I would prefer strongly that you don’t
“considering cutting the fat off myself, physically”.
Nor
To the point of wanting to suicide, because it seems so hard to have to choose between a thin pretty corpse or a big fat hunk of lard that lives.
So if that would be ok with you, I would appreciate it. Ta.
Sorry to disturb.
Posted by: Vincent at April 13, 2005 11:57 AMI only know of one thing that works for me. It may work for you. Yoga. I do believe it will solve most all that you suffer from. For most people, it's not the food we eat, but what our body does with it after the fact. Yoga creates full body harmony. It is what you seek.
Enjoy-believe.