March 10, 2005

So. Did You Save For Your Funeral?

I'm too tired to write anything particularly brilliant or even coherent. I wish I could just sleep for a couple of weeks. My life needs a fast-forward button. And a mute.

I took something of an OD on Saturday which was... I don't know. It was what it was. Don't remember a lot of it, to be honest. There's just such an awful sense of disappointment when you wake up.

Anywho. I can't even really be bothered getting mad at my parents. Deb rang them and talked to mum. She was kind of blown away (in a bad way) by her reaction. She said to me: Jen, your mum's a bitch. She's so damn neutral. She didn't even ask if you were ok.

It didn't surprise me particularly. Mum and Dad are beyond "un-emotional" and through into full-blown inertia. Mum called me a couple of days later to see how things were. I didn't know what to say really. "I'm dying" would be a favourite and probably the most accurate but I'm pretty sure that if I'd said that she would have just closed down completely. Painful and/or negative emotion for them is like touching a butterfly mine, and they'll go to any lengths to avoid it. So I just told them things are really hard and I'm trying to work through it.

I'm so sick of this. I'm sick of the pain in the relationship between my parents and me. It's so bloody awkward. It feels constantly like I'm doing something they disapprove of deeply but will not verbalise. I just don't know what to do, every contact with them just seems to hurt and hurt and hurt. I want to grab them by the shoulders and shake them back and forth while yelling at them "FEEL SOMETHING! For fuck's sake, I nearly die and you don't even bother calling me for days. Tell me you're scared or angry or glad I pulled through. Tell me you want to help me, rather than giving with one hand and taking away with the other."

Mum asked me for my therapist's name so they could talk to her. I get the distinct feeling (and so did Deb, so it's not just my paranoia) that my parents think that I have somehow managed to successfully con psychotherapists, psychiatrists, ACC, mental health services, friends and police - in fact, everyone except them - for years and years and years. I don't know what they think my motive would be. Having no money? Having no job? Having no self-respect and seeing no future?

Who knows. My life is obviously pretty damn sweet, since I go to such lengths to maintain this lifestyle.

Stupid life. Sleep is good.

Posted by phreq at March 10, 2005 05:32 PM | TrackBack

i was wondering how you were and was just about to call you. I think I will anyway.


Posted by: giffy at March 10, 2005 05:39 PM

*hugs* just remember you have many friends who do feel for you sweetie.

much love

Posted by: Zephfi at March 10, 2005 06:13 PM

I am glad you pulled through. I like you, and I hope you get through this, and get to a place where you are happier. Tell me what I could do to help, and if i can i will.

Posted by: toni at March 10, 2005 07:52 PM

Hard to think of anything to say that doesn't sound trite, but I echo toni's sentiment. I like you, and want you to feel better about stuff, and want you to stick around.

Posted by: Rachel at March 10, 2005 08:31 PM

Hey Im a total stranger and I want you to stick around, talk to your friends, they want to help.

But mostly focus on yourself.

Posted by: Vincent at March 10, 2005 08:55 PM

hey if I book a flight can you give me directions how to get to your place from the airport?

Posted by: sok at March 11, 2005 07:47 AM

oops I pushed post too fast. LOVE YOU! A HUGE HUG! I am coming to see you or getting you up here. Whatever would be best for you.

Posted by: sok at March 11, 2005 07:48 AM
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