March 02, 2005

Matt, You Might Want To Skip This One

Because it's about our parents and it's only fair to warn you.

Mum and Dad have been giving me $20/wk for several months, and so often it's been a lifesaver - enough money to pay the therapist or get some power. The 'condition' with that was that I write to them once a week or so, because they said that they don't want to be viewed as an ATM. Fair enough.

Well I got myself in the shit a few times over the last couple of months and I owe them $300. Mum sent me a text yesterday to say that she had cancelled the $20 AP.

I was a little bit shocked - she signed off the text "lol mum" which either means lots of laughter (i.e. I'm joking) or lots of love (i.e. I'm joking). So I sent Dad an email this morning and he confirmed that this was indeed the case:

Yes, that the plan – the $300 is in advance to help sort your cash flow problems. That will also be assisted by WINZ and the bank coming to the party, so you should be right now.

I just want to ring them up and scream at them "I AM DYING!!!"

My therapist wants me admitted to hospital yesterday and I will hear from my GP today I expect. Another $50. I'll need to put petrol in the Scud because I'm not meant to be walking much at the moment. Another $20. I am running the heater because I'm really cold, so I'll need to get another $10 of power too.

I mean, I don't think I'm extravagant. I don't go to the movies or drinking (more than once in a blue moon). I don't buy new clothes except to replace decade-old underwear. I'm not buying alcohol or drugs. It's just that being sick introduces all sorts of expenses that people just don't think about.

I am really, really hurt by them. Do they want me to die? Or do they just think I enjoy begging them for money because:
1) It's so non-humiliating; and
2) They're so generous?

I can't get over the feeling that they think I'm trying to fleece them. It's hard to match up this behaviour and email with this other one from Dad 3 months ago:

Good on you for doing the eating disorder programme – getting well is your full time job at present and the most important thing you could possibly be doing. You don’t get many chances. Take all the help you can get and let us know what we need to be doing to help you.

Posted by phreq at March 2, 2005 08:00 AM | TrackBack
Comments

Oh Jen. I wish I could help. This whole post just makes me sad. Also the fact that food is not one of the expenses on your list. I'll see what I can do.

Love

Posted by: giffy at March 2, 2005 11:00 AM

And it seems a trifle ironic that this is what you're experiencing from your family financially, when you're suffering from a disease of getting by on too little sustainance in other ways.

Posted by: suraya at March 2, 2005 11:51 AM

yeah, you put your finger on it. I feel at times that my whole life has been little more than a painful search for love from my parents that I'm never going to feel.

I don't know if they think they love me or not, but I've never felt that they loved me and they seem to do little to dispell that perception.

Contact with them is hurting me too much and I don't have the resources to deal with it. Too much, too long. I don't need the heart-break and humiliation. If they think I am not worth a few hundred dollars then I guess they don't value me too highly.

I mean, make no mistake - I've sent them letters telling them how desperate I am, and how the dr is worried about my heart and kidney function. I've told them that I am at the end of my rope at times. I've told them I'm deeply depressed.

They know the situation. This *is* life or death. And I want to live, but it's a long grinding painful process towards health and yes, it takes money, and it also takes love and care and concern. I'm not seeing much of any of that from them.

Posted by: phreq at March 2, 2005 07:27 PM

I find it hard to understand what you are going through a lot of the time as 1) I don't have an eating disorder and never have and 2) My parents just lent me and my sister a whole big lot of money and would do it again.

What I don't find hard to imagine is how I would feel if my parents didn't support me as much as they do. I don't find it hard to want to help you and love you either. Having no money is horrible. It is worse when you actually are UNABLE to make more and you have trouble convincing those who are supposed to be your biggest supporters that this is the case.

I hope I am helping and that you don't feel bad about accepting it.

Love

Posted by: giffy at March 2, 2005 08:53 PM

Thank you *hug*

No, I don't feel bad about accepting it because I know you genuinely want to help, and I know that I genuinely need it. I just hope that down the track I'll be in a position to help you out when you need it too.

Posted by: phreq at March 3, 2005 03:13 AM
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