plasticwrap

Racism and Communist Relatives

Is anyone going to the rededication of the Makara Jewish cemetery this weekend? I would go if I were in town to pay my respects. Racism makes me feel cold, afraid and tired, because human nature doesn’t change – we are passionate creatures and unfortunately that seems to mean that we need to hate as well as love. Racism is so stupid and yet so constant. And so insidious! It always makes me uncomfortable to realise how much of it slipped unnoticed into my mind.

Example: A few years ago (when I was younger, and at about the same level of foolishness I currently maintain) I was talking to a new client, an Indian guy. He knew a guy who worked at the same company as me, and said “Oh, do you know Deepak X?” and I said (cringe) “No, but I know a guy called Mukesh Y.” As soon as I’d said it I realised how racist it was (would I have said to a white client “No, I don’t know your friend Michael, but I do know a guy called Matt.”?), and I was just lucky that my client is an amazing guy who just laughed it off.

But it’s a hard call. I remember in 5^th form English my English teacher read us a story about a teacher who did an exchange to India. In the story she described the “long, slender brown fingers of the children forming beautiful script, not like our boys at home.” And then my teacher told us that it meant the teacher in the story was racist. I’ve never understood that. Is description of physical characteristics like that racist? Or comparison of ‘here’ and ‘away’?

I am more hurt by my parents the more I think about them. How dare they accuse me of lying, with no grounds whatsoever?! I can’t believe that it’s a normal reaction – your adult child tells you they were sexually abused as a child and raped as a teenager, and your reaction is “We don’t believe you”. It’s treatment I wouldn’t accept from strangers or enemies. So why the hell am I putting up with it from my family? It makes me feel like shit.

When I was 7 or so I started to go blind (Sok, do you remember this, or were you overseas?) – or rather, as I wonder now, I think I started to lose my sight as a result of stress, because it was around that time that I started to be abused on a regular basis, like I doubt if it was an organic cause. But anyway, the end result of it was, from whatever cause, I started to lose my sight. It was scary. At times I couldn’t see to read, other times it would just be blotches of coloured light all over my vision – it really frightened me. Mum and Dad took me to an eye specialist, but after he couldn’t provide any real answers, they took me home and asked the church to pray for my healing. And when that didn’t provide results, they just insinuated I was lying about it, because I couldn’t be going blind if I could still see to walk across the room. I was so confused, because it did come and go – but I didn’t know that it meant I was lying. It was horrible, because I was aware that my parents thought I was a liar, and there was absolutely nothing I could do in self-defence.

Well, I don’t feel like accepting this kind of treatment any more. They seem to have decided that the nicknames of Wonderful Jo and Terrible Jen are character summaries rather than just cruel childhood taunts made up by father. Fuck ‘em. They aren’t willing to show normal human decency towards their kids? Then I don’t want to be part of their family anymore. I am starting to draft a letter to them basically saying that I don’t want any contact with them until they are willing to treat me with a bit of respect. I want to change my last name, too.

Grrr. It’s like living in Communist China or something. The verdict has been reached before the trial has even started.