plasticwrap

May you live in interesting times

I had an awesome and productive conversation with David last night about the coming year. I feel that it's a real time of transition for me, and a time to heal, and I have to find the best way of doing that.

Dave encouraged me to think of what I really want, rather than to devise an action plan straight away - to write a list of what is important to me, and then to work out a plan from there. He is so supportive, he said to me that no matter what I choose to do, he will be there for me, every step of the way.

I think it's going to be important to confront my parents in some way, and to explain to them (although they will not listen and will not believe me) that they have really hurt me throughout my life and I need to get some distance from them to work through that. I have this weird desire to see them, even though I know it makes me feel terrible - it's kind of probing the wound or something, I think "this time it will be different, this time I'll be good enough" and it never works out that way - so maybe the best thing for me to do is to say "I need a break from you to become an adult, not a damaged child."

My brother did kind of the same thing, I suspect, with his interminable OE. I don't want to travel overseas yet, I'm not emotionally strong enough - but I do think that moving out of the immediate Wellington region for a few months may be a good move.

I want to be gentle with myself this year, to let the hurt kid inside me heal a little bit and let the adult part of me grow and flourish too. I want to paint, write poetry, take photos, read and learn and experience new things. I want to be around sunshine and nature and have a private piece of the earth that is mine to be in. I want inventive, creative poverty rather than the grinding, drowning kind. I want to learn to love without reservation, without fear of being mauled and stripped when I'm vulnerable.

I think the old-fashioned term for it is a sabbatical... I want to renew myself. I want to be strong enough and self-confident enough to be able to tell people who are toxic to me that I will not be associating with them. I want to feel joy and hope in life, because I've only caught the merest glimpse of that in the last 23 years and small as those flashes were, it seems to me that to grow that sense of life and live in it must be the closest thing humans can get to a personal heaven. To get up in the morning and know that I won't catch myself wanting to die before nightfall. To expect good things, to trust that some people will in fact like me for who I am. To feel strong and not afraid.

Young and strong and free within my spirit. That's what I want to work for this year.