I just realised how many days there are between Christmas and New Year. Lots! I thought it was about 2 days, which just proves how poor my understanding of the calendar is.
Anyway I'm midly depressed now, it seems like a trough of down time that I am filling by watching Simpsons DVDs with audio commentary and tweaking a piece of search engine code that I wrote last year and for which I now can't remember half the excepted characters in php. Amazing how easy it is to lose fluency in a language, even a computer one. Then again, seeing as I have enough trouble with English and can say "I don't speak [insert language here]" in several foreign tongues, perhaps the atrophy is not surprising.
I'm reading Bob Jones's "Letters" at the moment, which is laugh-out-loud funny in places - he is one intelligent, sarcastic bastard! I also got out "1984" (George Orwell) and "The Genius and the Goddess" (by Aldous Huxley). I have been watching the People's Century video series from the library, just to break up the cartoons a little bit and make me seem less obsessed.
Christmas is such a struggle of a time of year, I'm really annoyed with myself for letting it get to me like this... I think it's having to spend time with my family, I always end up feeling awful even if they don't do anything to get my back up... and then I feel guilty for not liking them when they have done nothing to me (recently). Times like this I wish I had taken Matt's route and done a runner to the other side of the world to avoid the whole family bullshit.
Anyway my stress levels are really high and it's playing havoc with my eating patterns, which I'm really annoyed with myself over, because I had been doing ok for the last month or two since getting back from Dunedin. I just have to get a grip on it again and make myself be good, I'm terrified of it slipping again because it will be such a failure and mean that I wasted most of 2003. So no, can't go back there... it's so perverse to have a disease that makes you want to starve yourself to death. It's so completely illogical and unnatural, but all the logic in the world doesn't fix it. It's like any other addiction I guess, the only way to be 'clean' with an eating disorder is not to do what you would like to do... it makes me so tired to think I have to struggle against hating my body day after day and deliberately not do the one thing that would make me feel better...
God. too much self-pity! sorry folks :) Hmmm happy thoughts:
1) It ain't raining
2) Dave gets back tomorrow
3) I get to see Deb and Lisa (and Margaret, maybe!) for New Year
4) I have canvas
5) I have paint
6) Ruby is smiling at me (she doesn't move her lips, but I can tell)
7) I have great friends that put up with a lot of crap from me
8) Simpsons DVDs
9) Audio commentary
10) It still ain't raining...
Thanks
Posted by: Online Home Loans at November 19, 2005 07:36 PM