beautiful monsters: wheels

August 13, 2007


There is simply no better way to start the day than to cycle around Wellington’s waterfront. Especially on a morning when the water is smooth and grey as stone, and the clouds are glowing round the edges. Especially when there’s a frost sparkling on the grass and the Zephyrometer is pointing straight up to the sky. Especially on a morning when it’s still dark, and the air is tinged with excitement, like waking up on easter morning. Especially on a morning when the sky is so blue and the hills are so green and everything is in such focus, so detailed, you can see every leaf on the trees, every pebble on the beach… it’s like riding through a Craig Potton calendar. Pretty much every morning except when there’s a northerly gale. Then I don’t love it so much.

The best thing about my new flat is that there’s a whole lot more waterfront between home and work. And cycle lanes almost the whole way.

I’m the slowest cyclist in Wellington. I know this because of the vast numbers of cyclists who go whizzing past me. Compared to the number I pass, which is a number that is fat and round, like me. (Unless you count kids with trainer wheels. Or those crocodile things).

But they say hello as they whiz past. No one ever says hello when I’m driving to work.

I recently listened to a RNZ National programme about the Profound Revelations Of Sunday Afternoon Cycling Church (PROSACC). They have a website here – it’s really funny. My favourite extracts:

Much interest has arisen from the revelation in previous chapters that there is archaeological evidence that Jesus withdrew into the mountains to go mountain biking. Sadly there is not room in this publication to go into detail about that evidence however it has prompted an interesting discussion regarding the origins of the bicycle as God must have provided Jesus with a bicycle ex-nihilo (created from nothing). While contemplating this intriguing possibility one day one SACC member fell into a dream that we would now like to share in detail for your edification.
The dream began with God creating the heavens and the earth, but the earth was void of the ideal leisure activity, and God said “let there be wheels” and there were wheels. Then God separated the wheels calling one the front wheel and one the rear wheel and that was the first day.


We would like to inform you in this newsletter of the friction has arisen among those members of SECC who fervently believe that mountain biking is the most pure form of worship, and those who believe (with equal fervency) that road biking is more pure and therefore more acceptable to the Lord. We wish to resolve this issue lest our worship become as a stench in God’s nostrils.
Those who favoured mountain biking quoted many old testament passages, for example: Isaiah 42:11 “let the people sing for joy, let them shout from the mountaintops”, and Isaiah 52:7 “how beautiful on the mountains are the feet (and bike tyres) of those who bring good news”. Those who favoured road biking quoted from Luke 3:5 (which they claimed was more authoritative being the new testament) “prepare the way of the Lord, make straight paths for him, every mountain shall be made low, the rough ways smooth.”


...the most biblically founded form of bicycle design yet proposed. .. Ezekiel 1:15-21 contains a remarkable description of cycling as it occurs in heaven (as a sidenote many members of SACC where very encouraged to learn that cycling is an inherent part of the afterlife). In Ezekiel there are four angels getting around on what is essentially a modified unicycle which has a second wheel intersecting the main wheel perpendicularly.

Posted by Fionnaigh at August 13, 2007 01:49 AM | TrackBack

Ha ha, that's hilarious! I love it when people are able to bring a sense of humour to Christianity.

Biking is a form of hell for me. But when I lived in Wellington I liked walking around the waterfront.


Posted by: Eugenie at August 13, 2007 09:56 AM

Don't worry about the speed. There's always someone faster than you. My first "real" cycling event, a 100k audax in the UK, I spent the last 50k desperately slipstreaming a couple of blokes who commented that it was great being retired, they had more time for their training runs. Once you've had some bona fide OAPs rip your legs off, it all fits into perspective.

Other perspective: I did Taupo with a couple of coworkers last year. One of them rode with his wife; they have a bach in Kuratau, about halfway around the course, and had been meaning to do the ride for a while. The fastest time last year was about 3'47 or so; I rode it in 7'03 and was pretty happy with that. My coworker did it in 12'30. But, y'know - he finished it. After six hours in the saddle, he rode past his bach, and kept going. I have a lot more respect for that sort of fortitude than I do for some of the faster boys, you know?

And of course riding along the waterfront is a great way to start the day. Unfortunately, I'm stuck tangling with the morning traffic along the Old Hutt Road on my way in from Newlands... but at least I can start off with a 2k offroad descent if I want. ;)

Posted by: Jack at September 1, 2007 07:42 PM