Hey, people… I had no idea you were still reading out there. I’ve been so slack about blogging I thought ya would’ve given up and gone away.
One of the many things that really suck about being stuck in a long depressive cycle, is that it’s so boring, it turns you into such a boring person. It makes it so hard to blog. Because you can’t write “felt like crap and it was really hard to get out of bed” every day. Can you?
The other day I got a thank you note from someone saying that my descriptions of this stuff resonated with her, and made her feel she wasn’t the only one. Which was cool. That’s one of the other things that really sucks about being crazy– it feels like you’re so alone in the world.
Anyway, I thought I’d try and write some more about it. But having said that, there will be times when even writing about the struggle to get out of bed will be too hard. So I’m giving myself the right to blog sporadically, or not, and to write depressing blogs. And if you’re still reading out there, well, then that’s cool.
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A few people have emailed or commented on the last post, and I wanted to make it clear that I am off the medications that were causing the mixed states (agitation etc). So I’m probably back to not having “the energy and motivation to carry out suicidal plans.” I’m no longer scared that I might do something at any moment. I’m just scared because I’m still not stabilised on a medication, and things could get worse again, and I know the support is unlikely to be there.
But right now, less of the panic and anxiety, and back to the usual darkness and misery. Which I’ve been struggling through for years, so I guess I’ll probably keep struggling somehow. It’s just so relentless. I’ve had depressive phases that have lasted for months before, but this has been a year and a half of feeling bloody awful, day after day. I feel like I’m just treading water, trying to keep my nose above the waves, but they keep crashing over me, they keep coming and coming, and my legs are getting so tired. Sometimes I just don’t think I can keep going.
And I don’t want this to be it. I don’t want to put all my energy into barely surviving. What kind of life is that?
I wanted to let you know I'm still reading too. And that the blog about the thistledown was lovely and is still making me smile every time I see thistle fairies. But that my son Hamish loves to stomp the thistle fairies so he gets a different pleasure from them. I'm glad you have come off the meds that make you feel so bad. My brother-in-laws coroner hearing was this week, and the finding was that he should have got more help from 'the system' and that if more help had occurred he may not have killed himself. The system seems to be overwhelmed.
Posted by: Toni at March 29, 2007 09:57 PMI have no answers, unfortunately. But I just kinda repeat what others have said I suppose - that you are not the only one feeling that way - and to give you *hugs*
Posted by: phreq at April 11, 2007 11:21 AM