I love the University bookshop, where I found Call Me Ishmael Tonight by Agha Shahid Ali. It is a book of ghazals, and as I am in love with the ghazal I had to buy it, though the poet’s name didn’t ring any bells (it can be so hard to find decent international poetry in this country!)
Water drops on the burner its sizzling red pearls.
Moonlight, on the apricots of Gilgit, shines…
…WHAT THE THUNDER SAID Shantih Shantih Shantih
The peace that passeth understanding in Sanskrit shines.
(from Shines)
I read a neat description of ghazals once, “each couplet must be like a precious stone that can shine even when plucked from the necklace though it certainly has greater re in its setting”. Well, I looked it up again tonight, and it is attributed to none other than Agha Shahid Ali. So I have heard of him after all.
The dawn looked over its shoulder to ask the night
for the new fashions in which it could dress angels.
(from Angels)
At the temple and the mosque the rose petals
lay all night perfuming the stunned water.
(from Water)
***
Meanwhile I’m not writing any ghazals of my own. Or anything for that matter, except these few blog entries. I’m bored. My own thoughts bore me. That’s really sad.
And I don’t know if I want to stay here. After two weeks my list of cons is growing:
* The food (ew, mushie peas, limp broccoli, and lots of fried foods)
*Getting challenged about personal struggles in front of everyone sucks
*I have a very small room and a tiny uncomfortable bed. I have to shuffle over to roll over.
* My therapist says weird things about food and and childhood trauma.
* I can’t do anything without asking anyone for permission
*I miss St Andrew’s
* Sometimes the other patients seem kind of childish and bitchy in the way they talk about each other, in and out of group sessions.
* The insistence that physical symptoms have an emotional cause
* The entrenched believe that everything hard is automatically beneficial
* I am surrounded by people with serious emotional problems
* When we’re not in group meetings we seem to spend a lot of time doing things like playing games. Sometimes I feel like I’m paying $2000 a week to play scrabble.
* I’m going to miss the Arts Festival
* They don’t have the full Chamber Music NZ programme down here
* Sometimes the nursing staff seem quite dismissive when I feel I need support
There are however some pros:
* Having meals provided at regular times instead of always cooking
* I don’t have to feel guilty about needing support, because I am paying to be here
* There are always nurses around who are sometimes available to talk to
* There are some people here with similar problems who can understand what I am going through
* Knox choir
* My psychiatrist seems good
* It’s quiet, less stressful than working, and I don’t have to worry about things like paying the power and electricity.
And so it goes on... the current plan is to wait until the 27th, when my mum will come down, and I will have completed my assessment period. Meaning that they will have assessed me, and I will have given it a fair shot and assessed them. And if they don’t come up to scratch I can use some of the money I save to go to the arts festival. Sounds like a plan to me.
So glad to hear you have found a decent book! Thinking of you :)
Posted by: phreq at February 20, 2006 04:19 AMHi
I have been thinking about you and hoping you were keeping busy.
My email has been erratic and causing me all sorts of headaches which started with a dropped laptop which can't be fixed cheaply so I have a big decision to make on that one.
Have you been to the museum yet? I forgot to say I enjoyed visiting there last year.
Whatever you do decide you are doing the right thing by weighing up all the pros and cons and taking your time.
It is good getting your emails and knowing you are ok.
Dear Fionnaigh,
Nothing in particular to say, except that it has been good to have the chance to read these updates & find out how you're getting on at Ashburn Hall. How much time do you (or can you) spend out of the Hall? There's all sorts of good Dunedin places I can suggest for walks & visits, but I don't know whether you would have the chance to get to them.
Regards
Tim
Thinking of you this morning.
I am not much further ahead with my packing, and there are only 4 weeks till we move!
I am having to be a bit ruthless with some of the stuff we've acquired over the years and find new homes for it.
The flat we will move to is much smaller than I had remembered with only 2 bedrooms, and with no section.
I hope our home will sell quickly as we have bridged the finance on another family members loan so it's a bit stressful in the interest department.
Never mind it's all a bit of an adventure and is a great way of putting away, and forgetting the past behind us and moving on.
Considering I am unsure of what lies ahead I am amazingly upbeat and calm about it. I guess I have reached the stage where nothing else can phase me now.
My email is up and running again so feel free to keep in touch.