beautiful monsters

Men don't have feathers*

The Vatican is campaigning against “evil” gay marriages. Doesn’t really effect me, because I don’t want an evil marriage (or any marriage for that matter) but I don’t have any problems with other people marrying in an evil manner, or an evil manor, or whatever. Wendy and Iona have blogged about marriage, and the Care of Children Bill could mean that a birth mother’s same sex partner will be recognised as a legal parent or guardian.

Lots of people have been asking the question, what is the difference between a queer partnership and a straight partnership? We had a discussion about this at brunch on Saturday, and the only difference we could come up with was anatomy. As the boy so eloquently put it, “it’s hard to perform cunnilingus when there’s a penis in the way.” I’m not sure I agree entirely (I’ll get back to that later**) but for simplicity’s sake let’s just say that in general there are minor differences of anatomy.

There’s another difference. Accidental pregnancy seldom occurs in a same-sex relationship. Or, to rephrase that, “gay sex is unnatural and wrong because sex is meant to produce children.” There are many problems with this argument, but I won’t go into them all. I’ll just say, are all infertile people going to hell?

Just because same-sex couples don’t usually have children accidentally, doesn’t mean there are no queer parents. According to census figures about a decade ago there were more than 600 same-sex couples with children, but I suspect the numbers are actually much higher. These families face all sorts of discrimination, from one parent being denied the right to make medical decisions about their children, to a lack of appropriate literature (when kids in a queer family start asking where babies come from, there aren’t many picture books about turkey basters), to a whole truckload of stereotypes.

Oh yeah, the stereotypes. Like, we’re all perverts. And child molesters. Just ignore the fact that most child molesters are heterosexual males; that’s obviously just an evil queer plot to throw you off the scent. Oh, and in a queer relationship there are no male role-models. Isn’t more important to have role-models who are happy, loving, strong, open minded, rather than gender stereotypes? Apparently not. Even if there are plenty of males in the extended family, among friends, not to mention on the TV and in movies and everywhere else, the nature of the relationship is obviously going to scar the children. Especially the boys. They’ll probably turn out queer. Which brings me to another myth; the children in queer relationships are more likely to be queer when they grow up. Firstly, this isn’t true (and if sexuality was inherited I’d probably be straight). Secondly, statistics aside, even if all the children from queer relationships grew up to be screaming queens, what exactly would be wrong with that?

I predict a long and frustrating battle before queer and straight relationships are treated with equity. The Christian Right will put up a struggle – they’ll probably be even more vocal than they were during the prostitution debate. And I bet they'll be loudest when children come into the equation. But I think they’re barking up the wrong tree.

All the children I know who have grown up within same-sex relationships are great kids. When I compare them to other kids I know, the only difference I can come up with is that those who grew up in queer families seem to be more open minded, more accepting of themselves and others.

Personally I’d make a terrible parent, regardless of the gender of any partner who was involved. After one of my guineapigs died from neglect and the other escaped and lived down by the woodshed for a few months before disappearing, I decided to practise caring for something less… animated. I’ve graduate from pet rocks to small plants, and I’ve managed to keep my aloe vera alive for several months - but everyone knows they thrive on neglect. Child raising is out of the question for at least a few years and even then I’m not sure that I want to have a child of my own. But one thing is for sure; I’ll damn well fight for my right to choose not to.

* This is what someone thought someone else said during brunch on Saturday. Unfortunately the concept is not very useful, as most women don’t have feathers either.

** Coming tomorrow, Men don’t have feathers Part II: The physical nitty gritty.

Posted by Fionnaigh at August 4, 2003 12:05 AM