beautiful monsters

Bleak television

Last night involved Buffy, Pizza, a British political thriller from the 80’s, a discussion of the problems of windmills and the national grid, and an offer of matchmaking. All in all a good evening, even if I was forced to leave Angel locked up with the sun creeping closer, Buffy fighting some crazy chick who claimed to be the slayer, and Willow slumped over her books (aw she’s so cute).

A Very British Coup was depressing though. Very funny, in a dreadful, too close to the truth sort of way. Very funny because of some of the contemporary parallels. Power crisis (note to foreign viewers, we’re having one here), dangerous fields of corn, the whole how dare you talk back to the US thing.

It was depressing because it was funny. The whole idea of a British Prime Minister dismantling nuclear weapons is so absurd that it’s funny. And that’s depressing.

The world seems to be run by a bunch of paranoid “realists.” They’re constantly suspicious about everyone else, they constantly feel insecure, and they view every move as a threat to security. The only way they know to feel secure is to build big weapons and point them at each other. This has advantages, because it creates a whole arms industry, employment, capital, blah blah blah.

Is disarmament possible? Does anyone really feel secure in the presence of nuclear weapons? Not content to be able to blow up the planet once, we now have enough weapons to blow up many planets. The security threat hasn’t gone away, it has only increased.

At the moment disarmament seems impossible. It would be extremely difficult to ensure that disarmament obligations were met by all states. It’s almost impossible to regulate trade and production. No one trusts anyone else, so someone somewhere is bound to do something covert, or at least be accused of it.

I’m proud to live in a country that challenges the legitimacy of nuclear weapons by enacting a nuclear free policy. The nuclear free sentiment among people in Aotearoa is so strong it is unlikely the legislation will ever change.

Last night I came home feeling depressed, not because of the state of the world, but because of my own failure to do more about it. In the past I have been very involved in the peace movement, environmental and human rights campaigns. At the moment I barely seem to have the energy to keep my head above water. I’m struggling to do a few hours of paid work a week and a few hours of study… let alone the volunteer work I used to enjoy so much. Most nights I look back on the day and I cannot say that I have achieved anything worthwhile.

I keep telling myself it’s ok. I’ve been unwell, it’s ok to need a rest. It doesn’t make sense though! For eight years I have struggled with severe mental illness, but I have still managed to do some amazing things. Now that I’ve finally found some effective medication and things are starting to level out, I feel, well… flat. Deflated.

Know what the weirdest thing is? I still have moments when I want to cut myself, but I just don’t seem to have the guts to do it anymore. And I’m disappointed that I can’t. I feel as though I’m a wimp or something… like I’m not as passionate as I used to be.

Part of me misses the whirlwind.

Posted by Fionnaigh at May 7, 2003 10:51 AM