Wow. My first ever attempt at writing slash. I would have liked my first time to be with Willow, but I haven’t really watched enough Buffy to write something plausible. Anyway, I’m only up to early season two, and there is a shortage of cute girls to pair her with. So, no Alyson Hannigan lesbian erotica. In fact, no erotica at all really, just a few chaste kisses. Hey shuddup, it’s my first time, I’m a little nervous.
Ladies and Gentlemen and everyone else, I present to you a few scenes that took place after the end of Dead Poet’s Society (it's quite long, click on continue reading for the whole story).
Winter
It was Charlie who told me. It was Charlie who understood my love for Neil. My pain. In that moment I looked into his eyes for the first time. Before he even spoke I knew.
I had to get out, I had to breathe. Snow was still falling. It was so still, so beautiful. My fingers ached with cold, but inside, I was numb.
How could so much beauty be possible without Neil?
It was Charlie who understood, all along.
I must have been blind.
*
The whole world is colourless. The freshly fallen snow has concealed any footprints. Any signs of life, any stains of blood are buried under the ice. The world seems frozen still.
Down by the lake there is a shadow, a dark smudge in the snow. There is the slightest movement, the faintest mist of breath.
Todd’s lips are blue with cold. He is crying, but no sound comes from him, no tears. Pain is frozen on his face. Suddenly he collapses to his knees, as though the last strength has departed from his body. His head sinks into his hands, his shoulders shake for a few moments. Then, for a long time, he is still.
*
The realisation seeps slowly through the fog of tears. He is not alone. Someone is crouching in the snow in front of him. Pitts? Knox?
“G-go away. I n-need to be alone.”
Silence. The shadow doesn’t move. Slowly, Todd lifts his eyes.
He is naked. He is so thin, the pale snow seems to glow through his arms, his chest. He is rocking slightly on his heals, his clasped hands resting in front of him.
“T-t-they said you were dead.”
He smiles.
“Are you dead?”
He reaches forward, places his finger against Todd’s lips.
His touch is like the wind rustling between the trees.
“Shhhhhh.”
“Neil?
“I read your poem.”
“B-but, I ripped it up.”
“I know. It was good, Todd, it was really good.”
“No, it was stupid.”
“It was about me, wasn’t it.”
Todd looks away.
His hands are cool, lighter than breath, stroking Todd’s hair. The boy won’t meet his eyes.
When Todd finally looks up, there are tears in his eyes.
“Why did you do it, Neil?”
“I was trapped.”
“They blamed Mr Keating.”
“And you blamed my father.”
“It was his fault.”
“No. Jesus, don’t you understand Todd? For the first time I took control of my own life. It was my choice. It was the only moment in my life that I felt completely free.”
“It didn’t have to be like that. You could have talked to your father. Mr Keating could have talked to him.”
“Oh yeah, that’s rich.”
“We could have worked something out, Neil. We could have… It’s not FAIR!” Todd’s arm flies out as though to strike Neil, but then he crumples onto the ground. “It’s not fair,” he sobs. “It’s not fair.”
Neil waits until the boy stops shaking, and then reaches out to touch his shoulder. Todd looks up at him. For a moment they are frozen, so many emotions passing between them, so many unspoken words. Then Neil leans forward and kisses him.
Todd leans into the kiss, and Neil wraps his arms around him, draws him close.
Neil’s body is firm, but not solid. Todd is surprised to find he can lean against him. If he closes his eyes it feels as though the air is thick enough to support him.
He slips a hand around Neil’s neck, caresses him gently. Neil moans softly.
“Let’s go to your room.”
*
O savage and tender aching! O madness amorous! O trembling! O to escape utterly from others’ anchors and holds! To drive free! To love free! To dash reckless and dangerous! To ascend – to leap to the heavens of the love indicated to me! To rise thither with my inebriate Soul! To be lost, if it must be so! To feed the remainder of life with one hour of fullness and freedom! With one brief hour of madness and joy.
*
“Charlie! What are you doing here?”
“My father bribed them to give me a second change. Lucky me. And it’s Nwanda to you, Meeks.”
“Hey guys, come here. Char- Nwanda is back.”
“Pitts, Noxious, how’re you doing?”
“Great, fine. Wow. You’re really back?”
“Yup. Where’s the fink?”
“Moved. Different floor.”
“Where’s Anderson?”
“In his room,” says Meeks. “He hardly ever leaves, and when he does he wanders around outside talking to himself.”
“What does Nolan say to that.”
“Nothing, they leave him be. I think they’re afraid he might break… hey, no, don’t go in there.”
“Todd?” Charlie knocks gently on the door.
“Go away.”
“It’s me, Charlie.”
There is silence for several minutes, and then the door opens slowly.
“Todd! Jesus, you look as pale as a ghost.”
Todd has his dressing gown wrapped around him. He stands in the doorway, a sullen look on his face.
“Fine. Suit yourself.” Charlie steps back, but keeps his eyes on Todd until the door slowly closes again.
*
Another knock on the door. Todd ignores it. After a pause, someone opens the door. Charlie.
“Meet me down at the cave, tonight.”
“I-I c-can’t,” stammers Todd.
“Just be there.”
*
When Todd arrives Charlie is leaning back against the wall of the cave, smoking a pipe. The smoke spreads into a haze that blurs the edges of his body.
“He’s been with you, hasn’t he.”
“W-who?”
“Neil.”
The boys stare at each other in silence.
“Did he tell you about us?”
“W-what do you mean?”
“I was in love with Neil,” says Charlie. “I used to believe he loved me back, but he was just playing around with me. He was too scared to love me back.”
Neil stares at him.
“Then you came along. Know when I realised I’d lost him? Your poem. Your sweaty toothed madman. The look on Neil’s face when you finished that poem… I knew I’d already lost him.”
“It’s n-not true, Charlie, why are you saying this?”
“I’m worried about you Todd. You can’t keep living with the dead. You’ll fade away.”
Todd is silent.
“He’s trying to control you, because he couldn’t take control of his own life. His whole life was an act, a lie. He lied to his father. He lied to Mr Keating. He even lied to you, Todd.”
“That’s not true!” Todd cries, and he whirls around to leave. At the entrance of the cave he pauses for a moment.
“You’ve got to keep living, Todd,” whispers Charlie.
*
“Why did you go?” Neil is sitting in the window, waiting for him.
“I w-wanted to see Charlie.”
“He wants to take you away from me.”
“No Neil, no.”
“You can’t trust him,” says Neil, jumping down from the windowsill. “You can’t trust anyone.”
Todd shakes his head.
“I love you,” says Neil. Come and be with me.”
Todd steps towards him. The window is open, and he shivers in the cold air.
“Stay with me.” He is looking towards the window. “It’s so easy.”
Todd stares at him, and then leaps away.
“No Neil, no!”
“I love you Todd.”
Todd sinks to the ground.
“I can’t Neil. I can’t be with you. I want to live.”
For a moment Neil looks as if he is going to laugh. Then he covers his face with his hands and shakes his head.
“I’m sorry Neil. I’m so sorry.” Todd walks away. When he gets back to his room, Neil is gone.
*
“Charlie?” Todd knocks softly.
“Yeah, come in.”
Todd pushes the door closed behind him. Charlie is lying on the bed with his hands behind his head, but when he sees Todd he leaps up.
“Anderson!”
“I w-wanted to say I’m sorry. The p-past few weeks. I’ve been a jerk.”
“You can say that again,” Charlie grins.
Todd sits down on the end of the bed, and wraps his arms around his knees.
“I was a jerk too, Todd, the whole of last term. Keating was right, I was foolish. I was mad with jealousy.”
“Jealous of me? smiles Todd.
“We thought you were the meek one, Todd, but you’re not. Neil was the scared one. Acting was the only way he could face up to his father. He never knew how to be himself without a costume. He lived for an illusion.”
For a long time, the boys don’t speak. It is Todd who finally breaks the silence.”
“Know something Charlie?”
“The name is Nwanda.”
“No.”
“What do you mean, no?”
“No. It’s not Nwanda I’m falling in love with. It’s you. Charlie.” And he leans over to kiss him.
*
I used to listen to your breathing for hours after you fell asleep at night. I used to think you were the most beautiful person. You were so strong, so passionate. You let your passions overcome you.
The jigsaw puzzle was your life. With trembling hands you placed the last four pieces and stared in horror at the face at the window. You opened the window to escape from the sound of glass breaking. You sacrificed everything to escape.
I loved you. But I couldn’t escape with you.
*
From pent-up aching rivers… From bashful pains – singing them; Singing something yet unfound, though I have diligently sought it, many a long year;
Singing the true song of the Soul, fitful, at random.
Charlie showed me that I could choose life. He told me I have so much to contribute. That the powerful play goes on, and I may contribute a verse. That we may contribute a verse.
Carpe diem. Make our lives extraordinary.
Posted by Fionnaigh at May 6, 2003 12:08 PM