December 06, 2005

Replying to emails: Lo-ong

I realise Beau is the one for me and loves me lots. I'm sure everything will be fine. I'm even relatively sure that his plan will be good. Scratch that, I am sure it is a good plan, I am pretty sure everything will go according to it.

However, I do find it frustrating that he isn't telling me the plans, even though I know he is planning something so that it is special for me. He should know that I *hate* knowing that people are planning something about me. I seriously hate it alot. I hate feeling left out and isolated and vulnerable, which is what I feel when I know people are talking about something to do with me, but excluding me from it. It might not be reasonable, but it makes me feel like people are plotting against me. If it is a surprise it should be a complete surprise.

I also think he should realise that it isn't going to make me feel all happy and loved when I know that other people, several of whom I don't know very well at all, know about his plan. Some of them have even assured me it will be cool. This does not reassure me in any way. This makes me go, Why do you know about something that should be a special thing for me and Beau??

I know why he is telling other people too. He is worried I won't like it. Beau knows that when I am surprised by things I don't like, I can't hide it. He also knows that I especially hate things that I might normally only dislike a little, when other people who I feel know and love me give them to me thinking I will like them. This is because by giving me something I don't like, they have revealed that they don't actually know what I like at all, ie, that they don't know me at all, ie that they don't actually care about me at all. Again, I realise this is unreasonable. I realise it is harsh and I almost never mention it to the people concerned. I hope this doesn't make anyone paranoid that I hate any of their gifts. I love gifts. Feel free to give some to me.

I may seem crazy in my desperation to have things go according to *my plan*, namely, get engaged so that I can organise wedding for early 2007. Well, that may have already gone out the window, because Beau's sister is looking to have her wedding then... in Hawaii.

The reason I wish to get married then is that I would like to have it all paid for and sorted out before Beau and I go on our OE. This is because being married and living together for a reasonable amount of time makes visa's etc much easier to organise. Esp in Thailand. We would like to go on our OE in 2008. This may also go out the window, depending on whether or not Beau needs to stay in NZ to get into the doctor stuff he wants to do. If we don't go overseas, I think I will go back to study.

The reason that we wish to go on our OE in 2008 is that Beau and I would like to start trying for a family before I am 30. Namely, before March 2010. This is because, statistically, it is safer to have your first pregnancy before you are 30. Plus, the later I wait to start, the less viable eggs I will have.

Does the horrific planning frighten you? If so, sorry. I am not even close to a perfect person. I have many insecurities and you may not know them all. Beau knows pretty much all of them. He listens to me whinging and whining about myself and he holds me when I am crying. He doesn't try to tell me how I should feel or should be, because he knows this isn't what I want. He knows I can play Devil's Advocate for myself, he will patiently listen to me argue both sides of an argument and then he will hear my frustration at seeing both sides, thus feeling guilty over acting one way. He almost never gives me advice, but he always gives me support.

That is part of why I love him. That is partly why I am crying while typing.

None of that changes the fact that I am sad that he might put his plan into action when my mother is out of the country, or the fact that I will be sad if he delays it until she returns. I am a silly, silly duff.

Point of Fashion: Millinery
Current Obsession: Will people comment? What will they say?

Posted by giffy at December 6, 2005 04:11 PM | TrackBack