Here is the disclaimer( so you don't have to say it.) I know this is considered easy for me because I happen to have a fashionable body shape right now. In this society slim and petite is sought after and by genetic coding that's what I have. (Well, not purely genetics but I'll get to that. ) Don't tell me that it is easy for me to say how I feel or what I think about my body because of how I look.
This is a freaking hard entry to write for a lot of reasons and I don't need anyone telling me it's easy. It ain't.
OK? Ok.
I worry about how I look. I know from conversations that I do not worry as much as some of my friends.
I looked down at my belly the other day and I saw it bulging out (bloated after a potato based dinner) and it revolted me. I hated that belly so much.
I don't want to hate my belly. I want to be happy with how I look however I look. I am aware that it is only what our society considers fashionable right now that made me hate my belly, but I hated it all the same. Just as I know that obese people are people, I can't help but see the obesity and find it repulsive.
Knowing the cause of my feelings doesn't change them, although I wish it would.
My body is more or less fashionable right now. I am slim and petite. I could have bigger breasts, but that's beside the point. I don't want to look like Pamela Anderson. I have always been slim. I have always eaten small portions. My father has the same slim body type, all us kids inherited it. A while back my sister made an effort to gain weight; her body mass index indicated that she was underweight. (Do guys worry about BMI? I don't know.)
Sometimes I wonder if I should also try to gain weight, but I always stop myself. I changed my diet a whole back to avoid things I knew to be pure fat like chicken skin and crackling off pork. I don't eat bacon rind, etc. I still eat a lot of junk food though. I make an effort to eat vegetables and fruit (although not a huge effort) and I drink a lot of water. Since seeing Super-Size Me I have drastically reduced the amount of fizzy drink and candy I eat. I have weak moments, but I eat a lot less of that than I used to.
Sometimes the idea of eating revolts me and I wish I could get by without bothering. When I was at home a lot I'd go without lunch fairly regularly, just because it was a pain to organise food for myself and I didn't know what I wanted.
I am on the whole happy with my body. I made a decision as a teenager to be happy and I am, mostly. It gets me down that some of my friends can't also be happy with their bodies. I don't see them as bodies, I see them as beautiful girls. Wonderful talented women who shouldn't have to starve/exhaust themselves/pay money to Weight Watchers to feel happy with themselves.
But society and especially the media is very hard on women. We are constantly fed images of svelte perfectly made up women. These women are on every TV show, they are in ads for everything from Instant Kiwi to beds.
How can anyone watch all these images and not compare themselves in some way? This is an old, old issue and one that's unlikely to disappear. If anything it gets worse as it becomes normal to see more and more flesh in mainstream advertising. Airbrushing evaporates all blemishes, all cellulite, all imperfections. Even though everyone knows these images are doctored they are still there. Staring at you out of billboards, magazines, movies, newspapers.
I wish I could offer some kind of solution here, but the problem is too huge. We live in a consumer driven society that idolizes women with tiny bodies, big breasts and no flaws. The only thing I can offer is that as long as we know it, we can try to change ourselves. Not to try and conform to these images but to healthy, natural body shapes and be happy.
This has been hard to write, I now open the floor to comments and discussion.
Posted by jenni at September 6, 2004 01:43 PM