Study break this week so have had some time off. I've just got back from town, where I went after my friend Dave's goodbye party. The sky was getting light as I came home, winter's lost its enveloping darkness. I'm at a funny stage with not knowing what the future holds. Only five weeks to go on the journalism course, which I expect will fly past. Assuming I can get the rest of my work completed satisfactorily I then get to go to Dunedin for three weeks work experience. Then, since I'll be in the South Island I should have a wander around, hopefully do some tramping.
This week was unsatisfying tramping-wise. I got the Treaty of Waitangi assignment in, I thought it was a bit of a rushjob, but it got 14 out of 20 which was better than I thought though unspectacular. I'm not going to be a top student in this course - that requires total dedication whereas I'm constantly thinking day-in-day-out about my writing & music which is my real priority. On the other hand I'm absolutely aiming to pass the course, failure's not an option. Time management and multitasking are skills I've had to pick up to get a bit of everything done. I do feel like a jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none sometimes though.
Anyway, tramping on Wednesday fell through due to shitty weather, then Thursday I had to work indoors at the Regional Council on a perfect fine day, then Friday the others cancelled on me. I did however bike up to the Karori Cemetary and walk through Otari Wilton's Bush as partial compensation to myself. It's funny how Wellington has a little bit of everything, including a couple of patches of native forest. There's an 800 year old rimu in there which is worth seeing.
One good thing about study break was the chance to read and listen to music. I got a stack of books & CDs from the library. Johnny Cash Live at Folsom Prison is great, 50s rock & roll but the songs are about stuff, not just inconsequential teenage drivel. I also got albums by the Boredoms, Henry Cow and Laura Nyro - I see no contradiction. I really enjoyed reading George Orwell's Down and Out in Paris and London, I could learn a lot from him as a writer. I'm currently tackling some Buckminster Fuller and his ideas on sustainable use of resources. I also got a biography of Osama bin Laden, but it was written from a fairly right-wing American establishment point of view so I couldn't get into it. Although it was written before September 12th 2001 so it shows that some intelligence people thought of him as a threat before then even if their government ignored it (and the WTC attack happened about 1.30am on September 12th here if I remember rightly - different date because of the time difference: September 11th passed without incident).
Back into classes on Monday for the home stretch. What I have to figure out is,
am I leaving Wellington at the end? Should I give up my flat when I go to Dunedin? I have to get a job for the summer, but it doesn't necessarily have to be in Wellington. Then off overseas next year if the saving goes ok. Not sure whether to go to Asia or Canada first?
Decisions decisions.
It'd be a pity in some ways to give up my flat - I really like this one. I've got a decent size room, a patch of roof outside my window that I can use for a sunporch, there's a good section with plenty of green, a large bath, a vege garden I planted, lots of books (some worth reading), a nylon-string guitar, a very friendly cat, I don't have to look after the bills, and we share the groceries so there's always food in the cupboards. I also like the gas cooking and use of candlelight, gives the place a different feel to use power sources other than electricity. It's been a great base while I'm at Massey, none of the hassles of previous flats which is good because bitching over phone bills or whose turn to wash the dishes would be an unwelcome distraction. It's been a pretty good period and home. 2/3 of the way through the year now, with a girlfriend the one thing missing that I would have liked to have (chronic singleness my unwelcome distraction). Other than that I'm fairly content.
It's probably just as well to be back to classes tomorrow. Having free time but missing out on what I wanted to do (tramping) I got a couple of visits from my old enemy depression. I'm experienced enough to know that it's probably always going to be something I have to deal with and work around, so it was nothing major just a mild down feeling. It could be partly because I'm between writing projects at the moment - I need a new idea. I beat the depression off by going up to Otari Wilton and enjoying the bush. But part of the reason I haven't had it so much this year is that I've been too busy. Hence, have to stay active for the rest of my life - keep one step ahead of the black dog always. It's been good having the structure of a course to keep me occupied; after that into jobhunting purgatory again. I loathe jobhunting. Oh well, I'll come up with something. But the future is a big question mark at this point.
http://fiffdimension.tripod.com
You call it the black dog? Somehow I started calling it the black-eyed monster... different metaphors, but clearly with similarities; also resonance with the idea that it's a separate entity that follows/chases you. I suffered with depression -- very badly -- in my early 20s; the thought that I'm always vulnerable on some level, I think, has both kept me grounded and also been a distraction at times. I don't fear it -- I don't think it'll ever be like it was the first time -- but it's one more thing to have to keep in mind.
Posted by: Sister Novena at September 5, 2004 07:30 PMIt's a classical reference. 'The black dog' was Winston Churchill's term for his depression.
Posted by: Dave at September 5, 2004 09:50 PM