Schrodinger's Cat

duende

I’m feeling a bit sad, also maybe coming down with a cold. I got the majority of the work done for last week, just the Treaty of Waitangi project to go – roughly equivalent to a decent size undergrad essay, to do from start-finish in 2-3 days. Of course the assignment was handed out ages ago but doing it before the last minute would have been unnatural.

I went and saw Fahrenheit 9/11 this afternoon, bit of a mixed bag. I saw Roger & Me in fourth form (the same English teacher who introduced me to Bob Dylan showed it to us), and used to stay up late on Tuesday nights to watch TV Nation when it was on, so I guess I’ve followed Michael Moore for a while. It was interesting that with the new film he’s trimmed back the humour – to stop being funny can be a powerful technique when humour’s what the audience expect (the second half of Trainspotting springs to mind). The long quote from George Orwell’s 1984 at the end seemed inappropriate though given that the book is a work of fiction, albeit a great one with some powerful insights (or as John Downie tells his classes, “truth is stranger than fiction but fiction is truer”). The last few days I’ve had the (rare this year) pleasure of reading a book in my spare time, one of Orwell’s earlier non-fiction works Down and Out in Paris and London. Have to say I really dig the guy’s writing. I also got out from the library Nathaniel West’s Day of the Locust and Janet Frame’s Faces in the Water, which I may even find time to read if I’m lucky.

Six weeks to go on the course. After that I’ve nominated Dunedin as my place to go for three weeks work experience (& chance to play gig at Arc Café), then after that roam the South Island for a bit. Have my summer holiday early before the tourist season starts, go over to Fiordland and walk the Kepler Track could be a plan. After that, who knows? Anyone want to come with me?

I’ve also been wondering about travel plans for next year, maybe change continents and go to Canada/America rather than Asia first?

After the movie I went to the party on Abel Smith Street, it was good to see a bit of community happening, and bands in a lounge. Parties often leave me feeling down though, I’m not very good at socializing in a party environment. And Elisa was there which brought the usual rush of sadness. I’d been thinking about her at the movie. A couple of the Iraq scenes brought tears to my eyes - I never used to cry at movies before Elisa left me, maybe I had to experience loss even if only on a small personal level to feel empathy for others? I do feel like I’ve changed in a few ways in the last couple of years – I’m less shy and less prone to depression, though not entirely over either, so that must be healthy.

There’s a big difference between depression and sadness. Depression is a dull boredom and overall unhappiness, a leaden weight which slows everything down to a crawl and drains away all energy. Sadness on the other hand is a richly textured emotional world, albeit a painful one. Tears can be cleansing - in depression there are none.

As for shyness, it's not an issue for the rest of tonight. Bedtime now, I don’t feel up to going out again. It’s been cold the last couple of weeks, makes it more tempting to stay at home. I had a wonderful time on Thursday night, I was in town and met a couple of people from my class. We ended up at Go Bar on Courtenay Place. Among all the usual disdainful glances and conscientious avoidances of eye contact from the women there, one girl smiled and got me to hold her drink. We danced and pretty soon were hugging and kissing each other. This went on for three hours, and by the end had become very affectionate and tender - hardly sexual at all, focusing on the inherent pleasures. That kind of thing would never have happened to me a few years ago, it requires eye contact. We went around the back near the toilets where the music was quieter to talk briefly, and another couple went into a toilet together presumably to have sex. That just seemed tacky. I didn’t get to go home with Rachel though, she got in a taxi to Roseneath and I was left to walk home in the cold rain to Newtown, my jacket having been stolen or otherwise lost inside. Could be why I’m getting a cold.

I’m getting up in the morning, weather permitting, to go out to Paekakariki and plant some native trees. It’s almost the end of the planting season, so could be my last chance this year. I’ve planted a ngaio, a koromiko, a taupata and several harakeke (flaxes) in the section at my flat though, could be worth coming back in five or ten years to see. I’ve also got a study week this week – still more than enough work to do but no classes. Wednesday & Thursday should be for tramping. Hope the weather’s alright.

Postscript, 11.30am: Woke up this morning to the sound of rain outside and generally feeling like crap. My nose & throat are clogged up and I'm sore all over (though this is partly explained by my starting a new gym programme yesterday). Think I'll have a day inside to read books & recover. Should be plenty of outdoor time next week - if all goes well there's tramping Wednesday/Thursday, checking possum traps Friday and planting trees Saturday.

Post-postscript, Monday: Hardly left the house Sunday, stayed in reading. Threw lots of hot lemon drinks at the hold and seem to have beaten it into submission.

Posted by fiffdimension at August 29, 2004 12:00 AM | TrackBack