Schrodinger's Cat

1 step forward, 2 steps back

1-12-03 The problem with electronic tools to make communication quicker & easier is that it becomes quicker & easier to say really stupid things. I should have my text messaging capability revoked given the way I've repeatedly used it to setback the slow process of reconciliation & acceptance with my ex-girlfriend. Since it was a non-mutually-agreed-on breakup against my wishes I'm always on the back foot - gets pretty tiring, I'm just about at the point of giving up entirely which will probably be a positive step. It becomes harder to see what basis for continued relations there can be when a) the relationship is now blatantly unequal (the dumper and the dumpee) and b) trust keeps getting undermined – the fantastic thing about our time together was that we trusted each other absolutely but by now that’s pretty much blown. There are very genuine good intentions but I have a strong tendency towards shooting myself in the foot.
What they don’t say in the ads for text-messaging is that text messages are the perfect medium for sending out the petty little bad thoughts that come up in the wake of an argument, which would be better left unsaid (or at least wait until the whole thing was put in perspective and considered sensibly). In this case the following exchange came about from feelings of bewilderment – our second to last encounter had been a fairly long heart-to-heart talk but the last one the barriers were suddenly back up. Worst-case scenario was that I was becoming the victim of mind-games – the hot/cold technique, first let him get closer and then calculatedly reject him. Hopefully this wasn’t the case, but it led to the following exchange which wasted sixty cents and several weeks of slow trust-rebuilding.

TEXT MESSAGE EXCHANGE

Sent: 'hope you don't hurt me for fun'
Intended message: It's true that you hurt me but I want to give you the benefit of the doubt that it's non-malicious
Probable Received Message: Whinge whinge moan

Reply: 'fuck off you depressing fuck'

Consider possible humorous elements in tautology?

Sent: 'no wonder you cant have any real friends'
Intended message: You're being unnecessarily hostile
Probable Received Message: betrayal of a confidence (had previously admitted feelings of loneliness) + condescending implication that sender is the only real friend (grotesque arrogance & probable self-contradiction – friends don’t act like that)

Reply: 'I'm erasing your number. don't text me again'

fair enough - the last one was way out of line

Sent: 'OK, I still love you though. sleep well'
Intended message: Despite my painful incompetence in communicating I still care for you, and not just because I want to sleep with you again (though that too admittedly). I'll shut up now before I say something even more stupid, goodnight.
Probable Received Message: Psychotic stalker on the loose!

Not sure whether receding memories of great times and emotional bond in the past can justify the ugly post-breakup mess. Maybe it’s enough that on a fundamental level underneath all the bullshit we both still care. Usually I'm fine, and increasingly inclined to not want to bother. I'm a hermit on a hillside these days - keeps me out of trouble while I wait til January. In a way though the exchange had a positive outcome – ‘don’t text me again’ is not the same as ‘I don’t ever want to see you again’, and it highlights for both of us the inadequacy of texting as a mode of communication. I’ll just have to restrict myself to more primitive technologies with which to make a fool of myself…

http://fiffdimension.tripod.com

Posted by fiffdimension at December 2, 2003 08:04 AM | TrackBack