June 08, 2006

The 'great' debate

I was having my shower last night and found myself having this internal debate about whether my biggest problem is that I am fat, or that I am ugly. One of my internal voices chimed in with perhaps I am both, but at the time, the issue was which was the biggest problem. Fat or ugly.

I've checked the supplies - I'm due my period today.

Not so long ago I used to take these debates a lot more seriously - these days I recognise the thinking pattern and go check the calendar.

But I do find it pretty incredible that my hormones can affect my thinking patterns so strongly - and wonder about other thought patterns and what their basis is. Is it that I have read many books, and have become a fairly well balanced person, or am I just lucky in the way the hormones balance out? Am I optimistic because of Cditioning and choosing, or is it simply chemistry?

Is my mind a victim of biochemistry? Do I Ctrol my body or does my body Ctrol my mind?

You can see in the first paragraph that I am fat phobic. there's a woman here on staff who is enormous. She can't wear safety belts because they don't go round her, and she does peculiar things to the suspension of cars. She has an apron of fat that flaps around when she walks and covers half the length of her thighs when she sits. Some days I can't look at her, it makes me feel sick. I'm guessing this is partly because of the media obsession with thinness as beauty... and my family is pretty neurotic about not getting fat. Fat is lazy, and lazy is bad where I come from.

Posted by Toni at June 8, 2006 08:13 AM

Thanks for this entry. I've been meaning to write a comment for days about my own feelings towards my body. Decided that it is hard and complex. I haven't tried checking my feelings versus my "cycle" though. Should maybe give that a go.

Did you also think that just before you get your period you aren't fertile anyway? What would the benefit be for you feeling attractive? Biologically more sensible to feel hot and desireable when your body can use that to make babies. Also, do you think that if you *were* pregnant you wouldn't get these feelings of "fatness"? Is it your body punishing you for failing to get knocked up?

Posted by: giffy at June 10, 2006 08:41 AM

Dunno about the body punishing me - I've not thought of the machine being that sentient!

The pregnancy one is odd. When I was pregnant I was very ambivalent about my body, especially when I got bigger. It didn't feel like my body at all, which I think is why I didn't mind having naked pictures taken of me. I hadn't put all that weight on - someone else had, and it feels most peculiar having another person inside me.

Posted by: toni at June 11, 2006 07:48 PM