beautiful monsters: circles

May 17, 2006


If you watch enough TV, it starts to go around in circles. The same people, same themes. Like lately, thereís been young teenage girls, who turn out to have boy bits. It was on House, and Greyís anatomy. A while ago they killed someone, plunged them in ice and stopped their heart, and then brought them back. They did it on House, Greyís, and Miracles, all in the space of a week. And the actors, the ones with once off bit parts, they just go round and round, popping up in all the different shows.

I think Iím using TV in the same way that Iíve used drugs and alcohol, food, and cutting. Iím not sure if itís an improvement or not. It doesnít have such bad long term consequences.


Tonight we had Living the Questions. More talk about sin and atonement. The sessions start with a DVD, with a bunch of theologians talking about the topic. I canít remember who said what, but one of them said that Jesus didnít die for our sins, he died because of our sins. Which got us onto a discussion about the story that many of us learned in our previous church environments.
We are all sinful, and Jesus died to pay for our sins. Which is a really manipulative story. Because all of a sudden you start noticing everything you ever do wrong, and feeling guilty about all sorts of things, because you know that somehow by being imperfect, youíve killed Jesus. Well, thatís how I used to feel.

Now I believe that Jesus lived his life to the full, that he stayed true to his beliefs in truth, love and justice, and he was killed because of it. I donít believe his death some how makes up for anything I do wrong. But I believe the way he lived his life can teach me something about how to live.

One of the other theologians was talking about martyrdom, and people trying to get martyred, throwing themselves to the lions either literally or metaphorically. Anyway, he said ďBefore thereís something worth dying for, thereís always something worth living for.Ē Which I thought was cool. Ok, Jesus died for his beliefs. But thatís not the point. The point is that he lived his beliefs.

I think the theme of tonight was that, instead of telling people that theyíre imperfect/sinful (and needing to be redeemed by Jesusí death) we should be telling people that they are loved and accepted.

I have big problems with applying that to myself. I have no trouble believing that the rest of the world are loved and accepted. But I canít believe that God loves and accepts me. Sometimes I hate myself so much.

Posted by Fionnaigh at May 17, 2006 02:38 AM | TrackBack

I noticed the girls-with-boy-bits thing too. I thought it was an odd coincidence.

Tonight I shall be watching Bones and American Idol, though. The Idol theme of the night is "The Music of Queen". I want to watch so I can enjoy the songs if they're good, and rant irritably at the screen if they're awful.

Posted by: Grant at May 17, 2006 09:35 AM

Wow. Hugs! You just have this awesum way of expressing stuff that no doubt most humans think about at sum stage of their lives..! I love how God says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," (Isaiah 55:8) cos you're right, its way too hard to comprehend how much God loved us that He came in the flesh Himself ("In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." John 1:1 and "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us." John 1:14) to 'close the gap' that the original sin had separated us from Him by. Cos being tru 2 Himself and all, He can not like tha sin, so we do need to remind ourselves that yes, God loves us abundantly - and wants that not one of us be lost - but its our sin (our choices to put ourselves before Him) that He can not (is really not able to) tolerate...

Sis, I too have tried to fill the gap with drugs, alcohol and self harm (and am still on that journey towards living completely for God - my only reason for existance - and doing it in a way that pleases Him on the way lol!)I tell ya what, tho: He is so true to His promises and I have lived the last 16 months sober (and smokefree!!) because I live on this verse: "not by might, not by power, but by My Spirit, says the LORD" (Zechariah 4:6) It's up to me each day to make the choice not to drink, but when I do that He follows through and gives me the strength that I literally do not have to do the right thing and honour the temple His Spirit dwells in (my body).

The narrow road aint easy, but it is worth it. God has awesum plans for you, sis, and already He is using you and your honesty and your gift for written expression to touch other's lives. Bless you for it! :-)

Posted by: God's Kid at May 19, 2006 12:05 PM