PG blog (contains mentions of abuse)
Having suggested in the previous post that there is “evil” in everyone’s heart, I’m wondering what form my own dark side takes. And I think the part I am most ashamed of is being careless with other people’s virginity.
There’s something terrifying about knowing that you are someone’s First. The realisation that another person’s impression of sex is about to be shaped by your hands… and probably by other parts of your anatomy. The responsibility is heavy. Are they really ready? Are they truly over their Christian guilt trip? Do they really what they’re getting themselves in for? Do they know what they want? Play your cards wrong and they might regret this for the rest of their lives. The first time is like to become burned into their memories.
Yeah, I remember the first time vividly. “I made you bleed,” he said, but I didn’t feel any pain. I felt numb, and my limbs were like ice. I wanted to be sick. I wanted to cry, but I felt like I had turned to stone.
I wish I could say that the first time I had sex consensually it was like loosing my virginity all over again – he treated me as though it was my first time. Looking at me anxiously, checking I was ok. “It gets better, really it does.” But I was way too used to the motions, and too scared of the emotion. I watched the procedure from far away. Laughed and sighed and groaned in all the appropriate places. Told my arms to wrap around him and my lips to brush against him.
I wish I’d been a more compassionate deflowerer myself. I knew how to drive people wild with pleasure on a physical level, but I had no idea how to guide them through the emotional journey.
I just wish I could get more involved if I chose to.
Ah well, sex can be fun, I just recommend choosing someone who has a reasonable amount of experience. I’ve kind of gone off one-night stands. It’s not that I have any moral objections, it’s just that is tends to be more fun if you know how to push each other’s buttons. Having repeated one-night stands with the same person seems to work for me.
See that’s the problem, I’ve never done the one-nighter properly. I’ve never done it with a complete and utter stranger – there’s always some link (however tenuous) to my social group. Well, what do you expect in Wellington? And that link always seems to spoil everything. You think you’ve had a no-strings-attached shag, but then the next day your friends say, “You slept with her? No, you can’t have, it must have been someone else. She’s got a boyfriend. She would never do that. She’s just found out he’s got cancer…” Shit, that kind of thing can really make you feel stink.
Yeah, I’m disillusioned and jaded and guilt tripping and then some. See, that’s the thing – I get so upset when guys can be so damn insensitive, and then I go and do it to other people. I can kind of understand why people who have been abused go on to abuse other people. Scary. That’s why I don’t believe that anyone is really evil. Sure, people do awful things, but there are always the reasons why. And often, those reasons have a lot to do with being hurt.
Posted by Fionnaigh at July 28, 2003 10:36 PMGood to see a trigger warning, they seem so rare these days.
No hurry on the spoken of post. I have been waiting, but ... patiently.