Contains brief non-graphic mention of self-injury and abuse related stuff.
Did you know that there are cocktails that have maple syrup in? And there are cocktails that involve feijoa AND ginger AT THE SAME TIME! Wow. Why did nobody ever tell me? Where did all my money go, and why is the floor spinning like that? Oh no, wait, that’s the ceiling… ooooh look at all the pretty stars…
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I can’t believe that so many wonderful people are part of my life. That they seem to be sticking around by choice. That they seem to respect me, for who I am, right now, even with all the messy bits. I feel a bit like Jane from Pride and Prejudice, “How can one person bear so much happiness?” It scares me. I’m scared that I’m wanting too much. I’m waiting for something to go horribly wrong. I’ll mess things up, somehow, irreparably, and everyone will hate me.
Last night, someone observed that I live my life “nakedly.” I think it’s because I believe that I will inevitably lose people, I’m too messed up to have lasting friendships. I’m scared that once I start caring about someone, they’ll see through the masks I wear. They’ll see the yucky black emptiness inside, and they’ll be repulsed and run away. So sometimes I show people the yucky stuff early on, before I start caring too much. That way it hurts less when they run. Only lately, people haven’t been running. And it scares me! I don’t know what to do next. Because I’m starting to care about people, a lot. And part of me believes that eventually, I will mess things up, and the more I care about people, the more it’s going to hurt.
I’m encountering new ways of being with people, and I feel lost. I don’t know how to accept affection from guys. I’m used to sex being the price I pay for being held, for feeling loved. Unwanted sex is an awful price to pay, but familiar. And familiar feels safe, in some ways. Just being held, with no conditions, that scares me. My own feelings scare me. Guilt and confusion, that I want to be touched, that I want to reach out, to hold on, but I don’t want sex. I feel selfish, for wanting to take one, but not wanting to give the other.
I cut myself a couple of days ago, just a tiny bit, not deep, just enough to ease some of the tension. And it was such a relief. But then I had the whole “do I conceal this” issue. And at first I thought I would, but then I thought, no, this is where I’m at right now, this is who I am. If I’m cold I’ll wear long sleeves, if I’m hot I’ll wear short (and if I can find a way to print this blogger contains self-injury in italics across my forehead, then I’ll do that).
I expected someone to get angry. “How dare you come along to a party like that. How could you be so selfish and manipulative.” But no one did. In fact people were incredibly kind and supportive. This is going to take me a while to get used to…
I don’t believe I deserve so much goodness in my life. But I’m so grateful.
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Someone recently pointed out to me that all the messy stuff, the abuse and the effects of it, is part of my life. It’s not something that happened to my life, that messed up my life, that interrupted my life, threw me off the rails and stopped me from getting on with my life. It actually is a part of my life. As soon as he said it I realised how true it was. It’s a scary thought. But also incredibly liberating. This is my life. Not something vague over there that I am struggling to get back to. Right here now, each of these moments is my life. And some of them are messed up, but that’s ok. That doesn’t make me bad, awful and wrong, that just means there are some messed up bits in my life. I think I’m beginning to accept that I can’t get back to what my life “could have been” if nothing bad had happened. Because bad stuff did happen, and my life isn’t like that. And it never will be. But it’s like this, and to succeed all I have to do is keep living it.
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The same someone actually managed to make me a chocolate drink that was stronger than any I have ever made for myself. No, really. The consistency was closer to chocolate mousse than to chocolate milk. I was very impressed. He claimed that our spoons were bigger than his. Yeah, that’s what they all say.
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I’ve just been reminded why I want to write poetry. And it’s got nothing to do with publication or exclusive workshops or prizes or recognition (though all of those would be nice too). It’s got everything to do with another human being reading my words and saying “Yeah. That’s what it’s like. Thank you.”
Thank you sweetie for reminding me. (And may I add that you manage to be incredibly coherent even in a state of severe inebriation. I take my hat off… or I would, if I was wearing a hat).
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This blog is rapidly deteriorating into cheesiness, so I’m going to end it before I have an allergic reaction (my relationship with dairy is not one of my strong points). I just wanted to say that you’re all wonderful. Thank you.
Hugs and eprops and chocolate fish all round.
*Sneeze.*
Posted by Fionnaigh at May 18, 2003 10:26 AMi liked what you had to say about every moment being a part of your life. i feel so often like i am trying to change myself in order to fit into what i think my life "should" be. so thanks for reminding me that all is life. we need to learn (i am using the corporate we) how to really seize every moment. to appreciate every moment, even the sucky ones because that is who we are. everything in our lives, even the things we hide behind our masks, are part of our lives. and all of life is to be celebrated. again, thanks for this post.
Posted by: shannon at May 18, 2003 01:29 PMkia ora mate :) we all have our masks. those feelings you have when you're self concious, or you feel like a failier or a fraud....Paranoia of what people might think, self indulgances, self abuse......we all have these feelings. maybe thats why people are willing to help. we can relate and realise that sometimes people need guidence to get them through hard times. i don't know. i guess some peoples masks are thicker than others.
much aroha e hoa
xx
We stand by you because we luv you lots!
If I was gonna run away, it woulda been long ago.
I think that your forehead warning should say, "This blogger contains lots of sweetness and intelligence. And she needs chocolate."
Posted by: V. In Welly at May 18, 2003 08:53 PM