I have this habit of thinking about horrible things. Not disgusting things, but things that make me upset and cry. Things that if they happened would change my life. I have done this for a long time.
One of the earliest times I remember is being about 7, maybe 6 as I think Mum might have been pregnant, anyway, Dad must have been away on a business trip cause I got to sleep in Mum's bed (this was like a treat that we liked to do. I stopped liking it around age 8 but I think Baby is still doing it!) and I just started imagining my Mum dying, actually lying in a coffin (alive for the time being) turning to me, telling me she loved me, and then she'd die. It made me start to cry. Mum sitting next to me was like, Giffy, What's wrong? And I sob out how I was imagining her dying.... I was a funny wee child.
Currently the horrible thing I seem to dwell on is Beau breaking up with me, cheating on me and then breaking up with me, arguing with me and then breaking up with me, getting bored of me and breaking up with me. Even though I know it isn't very likely, I still think about it and sometimes talk about it to others. Which they seem to find very unnerving. It doesn't upset me that much, I mean it does a bit when I am actively thinking/ imagining it, but the rest of the time I'm sort of like... wha- I'm soo strange!? The person who it upsets the most is Beau when I tell him that I've been thinking along those lines. But I think it's best that I tell him, otherwise sometimes when I'm feeling a bit tired, lonely and unattractive I can make myself quite sad. Remembering him saying, "that's ridiculous, why do you think about such things, all I think about is how happy we are", cheers me up considerably.
Posted by giffy at May 13, 2004 08:03 PM | TrackBack